Lionel Irving is the founder of Love is Stronger, an organization in Portland, OR dedicated to supporting gang-impacted families and communities in building healing, accountability, and safety. While Lionel and Love is Stronger focus on interrupting gun violence, this work is also rooted in grief. Lionel's uncle was shot and killed by the police in 1975. His cousin Donald was killed in 1999 by a rival gang. His mother died of a sudden illness when Lionel was 20. In the last two years, he went to over 40 funerals, many of those for young people killed by gun violence.  We talk about:  Lionel's early experiences with grief and gun violence How he lost his moral compass when his mother died His work as a tribute to how his mother saw him The role unprocessed grief played in his life, including killing another teen How being in prison and learning about trauma changed his life Learning there's no quick fix for grief What is unique about grieving a gun violence death The origin story of Love is Stronger Lionel's vision for interrupting cycles of gun violence What the community can do to help What helps him tend his own grief  More information about Lionel &amp; Love is Stronger.

<a href="https://www.loveisstrongergv.org/about" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">Lionel Irving</a> is the founder of <a href="https://www.loveisstrongergv.org/" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">Love is Stronger</a>, an organization in Portland, OR dedicated to supporting gang-impacted families and communities in building healing, accountability, and safety. While Lionel and Love is Stronger focus on interrupting gun violence, this work is also rooted in grief. Lionel's uncle was shot and killed by the police in 1975. His cousin Donald was killed in 1999 by a rival gang. His mother died of a sudden illness when Lionel was 20. In the last two years, he went to over 40 funerals, many of those for young people killed by gun violence.  We talk about: <ul> <li>Lionel's early experiences with grief and gun violence</li> <li>How he lost his moral compass when his mother died</li> <li>His work as a tribute to how his mother saw him</li> <li>The role unprocessed grief played in his life, including killing another teen</li> <li>How being in prison and learning about trauma changed his life</li> <li>Learning there's no quick fix for grief</li> <li>What is unique about grieving a gun violence death</li> <li>The origin story of Love is Stronger</li> <li>Lionel's vision for interrupting cycles of gun violence</li> <li>What the community can do to help</li> <li>What helps him tend his own grief</li> </ul> <a href="https://www.loveisstrongergv.org/our-work" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">More information</a> about Lionel &amp; Love is Stronger.

Love Is Stronger - Interrupting Gun Violence

What does it mean to be a cultural kinkeeper and how does that idea relate to grief? These are two of the questions we explore with Anika Chabra, co-founder of Root &amp; Seed, a platform meant to inspire people to collect and document family stories, recipes, and traditions. When Anika’s mom died suddenly in 2019, she realized just how much she didn’t know, not just about her mom, but also about their family history and cultural traditions. Root &amp; Seed is Anika’s offering to help others have meaningful conversations with their family members in the hopes of recording those important stories and legacies.     We discuss:   The ways Anika's mother mothered her How Anika went searching for stories about her mother after her death What else Anika lost when her mother died The origin of Root &amp; Seed and the digital and physical tools they provide to help people document their family stories and traditions What she most wishes she could tell her mom now  Social handles: @rootandseedco Website/E-Store: www.rootandseed.com Free Conversation Capture Tool: capture.rootandseed.com

What does it mean to be a cultural kinkeeper and how does that idea relate to grief? These are two of the questions we explore with <a href="https://rootandseed.com/blogs/the-root-and-seed-blog/anikas-origin-story" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">Anika Chabra</a>, co-founder of <a href="https://rootandseed.com/" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">Root &amp; Seed</a>, a platform meant to inspire people to collect and document family stories, recipes, and traditions. When Anika’s mom died suddenly in 2019, she realized just how much she didn’t know, not just about her mom, but also about their family history and cultural traditions. Root &amp; Seed is Anika’s offering to help others have meaningful conversations with their family members in the hopes of recording those important stories and legacies.   We discuss: <ul> <li> The ways Anika's mother mothered her</li> <li>How Anika went searching for stories about her mother after her death</li> <li>What else Anika lost when her mother died</li> <li>The origin of Root &amp; Seed and the digital and physical tools they provide to help people document their family stories and traditions</li> <li>What she most wishes she could tell her mom now</li> </ul> Social handles: <a></a>@rootandseedco Website/E-Store: <a href="https://linkprotect.cudasvc.com/url?a=http%3a%2f%2fwww.rootandseed.com&amp;c=E,1,AhwWcRoTNEeFV_KtSSw1NWJSQ5fgO7ZclUr5R3J63LHveDzgMTvhCLuKRkgRjlK0Va3Y7a42sQYsMqPM5CaNss41JzXZS-m2JqIYV9iLsSFAdVx9-mU,&amp;typo=1" rel="noopener noreferrer nofollow" target="_blank">www.rootandseed.com</a> Free Conversation Capture Tool: <a href="https://linkprotect.cudasvc.com/url?a=http%3a%2f%2fcapture.rootandseed.com&amp;c=E,1,mnlRnCGhvra4nUVK2nBi1FlRoPlfbmJogCZXvBy_Mk2lbryVda6F0V1TO9pwUC7jFUIx7AJi93HJ7bH6DVthUglaZBU-rC4LhIWG-uxj4CCCaZpk3OvJQhRq7Qg,&amp;typo=1" rel="noopener noreferrer nofollow" target="_blank">capture.rootandseed.com</a>

Becoming A Cultural Kinkeeper

 As more opportunities for non-traditional grief support arise, it's no surprise that many of them are happening in historically marginalized communities who have not felt relevantly supported in those settings. The Grief Garden, co-created by Julia Mallory, a multidisiciplinary artist, and Tiana Zabala, the garden manager at Goggleworks Center for the Arts is the perfect example of this type of offering. The Grief Garden was designed to bring people together, in relationship with the outdoors, where they could engage with rest, movement, medicine making, and sound.  Julia Mallory is a storyteller, writer, and artist who after the death of her eldest son Julian in 2017 also became a community grief worker. Through her words, images, and offerings, Julia invites others to acknowledge and express their own grief.    Tiana Zabala is passionate about growing food, medicine, and building community. In her role as garden manager at GoggleWorks she focuses on urban farming and developing opportunities for collective healing.   We discuss:  What Julia &amp; Tiana learned about grief from their families The lack of opportunity to gather and honor collective grief, especially in the Black community How grief gets pathologized in a grief avoidant society The origin of the Grief Garden event Why embodied practices like movement, song, and art are important in grief How Julia makes engaging with grief more accessible through her lived experience Farming as a metaphor for grief and the cycle of life Julia &amp; Tiana’s plans for future creative grief expression events    Grief Out Loud Episode 178: Survivor's Guilt - Julia Mallory

As more opportunities for non-traditional grief support arise, it's no surprise that many of them are happening in historically marginalized communities who have not felt relevantly supported in those settings. <a href="https://goggleworks.org/event/thegriefgarden/" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">The Grief Garden,</a> co-created by <a href="https://www.thejuliamallory.com/" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">Julia Mall</a><a href="https://www.thejuliamallory.com/" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">ory</a>, a multidisiciplinary artist, and Tiana Zabala, the garden manager at <a href="https://goggleworks.org/whileyouarehere/studios/goggleworksgardens/" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">Goggleworks Center for the Art</a><a href="https://goggleworks.org/whileyouarehere/studios/goggleworksgardens/" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">s</a> is the perfect example of this type of offering. The Grief Garden was designed to bring people together, in relationship with the outdoors, where they could engage with rest, movement, medicine making, and sound.  Julia Mallory is a storyteller, writer, and artist who after the death of her eldest son Julian in 2017 also became a community grief worker. Through her words, images, and offerings, Julia invites others to acknowledge and express their own grief.   Tiana Zabala is passionate about growing food, medicine, and building community. In her role as garden manager at GoggleWorks she focuses on urban farming and developing opportunities for collective healing.  We discuss: <ul> <li>What Julia &amp; Tiana learned about grief from their families</li> <li>The lack of opportunity to gather and honor collective grief, especially in the Black community</li> <li>How grief gets pathologized in a grief avoidant society</li> <li>The origin of the Grief Garden event</li> <li>Why embodied practices like movement, song, and art are important in grief</li> <li>How Julia makes engaging with grief more accessible through her lived experience</li> <li>Farming as a metaphor for grief and the cycle of life</li> <li>Julia &amp; Tiana’s plans for future creative grief expression events </li> </ul> <a href="https://www.dougy.org/news-media/podcasts/survivors-guilt-julia-mallory" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank"> Grief Out Loud Episode 178: Survivor's Guilt - Julia Mallory</a>

The Grief Garden - Supporting Collective Grief

Pierce Freelon

Pierce Freelon is a GRAMMY® nominated musician, author, and educator. He is also a son, a father, a husband, and an astute observer of life and grief and everything in between. Pierce was a caregiver for his father, Phil Freelon, a renowed architect who died of ALS. He's also the author of the new children's book, Daddy and Me: Side by Side, a beautiful rendering of the times Pierce and his father spent in nature, and how Pierce is doing the same with his own son. A few hours before our interview, Pierce got word that a beloved professor from his time in graduate school, Dr. Micere Githae Mugo, had just died. In connection to both of these influential people, Pierce shares his unique and nuanced perspective on grief, legacy, and the power of artistry.  We talk about:  How Pierce thinks about death and grief and ongoing connection The role gratitude plays in grief How new grief feels familiar, because love feels familiar The legacy of values, worldview, and artistry Pierce inherited from his dad, Phil, and his professor, Dr. Mugo The cultural traditions Pierce turns to in grief Caregiving for his father during his illness and end-of-life The autobiographical elements of Pierce’s new children’s book, Daddy And Me: Side by Side.   Listen to our episode with Pierce’s mother, Nneena Freelon, Ep. 202 Grief Wanted My Attention.

<a href="https://www.piercefreelon.com/" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">Pierce Freelon</a> is a GRAMMY® nominated musician, author, and educator. He is also a son, a father, a husband, and an astute observer of life and grief and everything in between. Pierce was a caregiver for his father, <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2019/07/10/arts/philip-freelon-dead.html" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">Phil Freelon</a>, a renowed architect who died of ALS. He's also the author of the new children's book, Daddy and Me: Side by Side, a beautiful rendering of the times Pierce and his father spent in nature, and how Pierce is doing the same with his own son. A few hours before our interview, Pierce got word that a beloved professor from his time in graduate school, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Micere_Githae_Mugo" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">Dr. Micere Githae Mugo</a>, had just died. In connection to both of these influential people, Pierce shares his unique and nuanced perspective on grief, legacy, and the power of artistry.  We talk about: <ul> <li>How Pierce thinks about death and grief and ongoing connection</li> <li>The role gratitude plays in grief</li> <li>How new grief feels familiar, because love feels familiar</li> <li>The legacy of values, worldview, and artistry Pierce inherited from his dad, Phil, and his professor, Dr. Mugo</li> <li>The cultural traditions Pierce turns to in grief</li> <li>Caregiving for his father during his illness and end-of-life</li> <li>The autobiographical elements of Pierce’s new children’s book, <a href="https://www.piercefreelon.com/daddyandme" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">Daddy And Me: Side by Side</a>. </li> </ul> Listen to our episode with Pierce’s mother, Nneena Freelon, <a href="https://www.dougy.org/news-media/podcasts/grief-wanted-my-attention-nnenna-freelon" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">Ep. 202 Grief Wanted My Attention</a>.

When I Think Of Him, Love Is The Word That Comes Up - Pierce Freelon

Kelly S. Thompson

When Kelly S. Thompson and her older sister Meghan were children, they were close. Meghan was Kelly’s protector and constant as they moved around as a military family. Things shifted when Meghan hit adolescence and started using substances. Their connection disintegrated and they spent years barely in touch. When Meghan stopped  using, they came back together and worked to rebuild trust and repair their relationship. Then, on the same day Meghan gave birth to her second child, she was diagnosed with a cancer that would end her life in less than two years. Kelly became her primary caregiver, going with Meghan to treatment and being with her in the hospital up until the last few moments of her life. Before she died, Meghan made Kelly promise to write their story. Kelly kept that promise with her new memoir, Still, I Cannot Save You.    We discuss:    The arc of Kelly &amp; Meghan’s relationship    The process of repairing that relationship    What it was like to care for Meghan after her cancer diagnosis    Kelly’s relationship with survival mode    Why the grocery store kicks up her grief    The ways writing helps Kelly cope and stay connected to Meghan    How Meghan loved Kelly (without condition or hesitation)    The ongoing heaviness of grief    Answering the question “How do I keep moving in a world that doesn’t have this brilliant human being in it?”   

When <a href="https://kellysthompson.com/" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">Kelly</a> <a href="https://kellysthompson.com/" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">S. Thompson</a> and her older sister Meghan were children, they were close. Meghan was Kelly’s protector and constant as they moved around as a military family. Things shifted when Meghan hit adolescence and started using substances. Their connection disintegrated and they spent years barely in touch. When Meghan stopped using, they came back together and worked to rebuild trust and repair their relationship. Then, on the same day Meghan gave birth to her second child, she was diagnosed with a cancer that would end her life in less than two years. Kelly became her primary caregiver, going with Meghan to treatment and being with her in the hospital up until the last few moments of her life. Before she died, Meghan made Kelly promise to write their story. Kelly kept that promise with her new memoir, <a href="https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/671506/still-i-cannot-save-you-by-kelly-s-thompson/" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">Still, I Cannot Save You</a>.   We discuss:  <ul> <li> The arc of Kelly &amp; Meghan’s relationship  </li> <li> The process of repairing that relationship  </li> <li> What it was like to care for Meghan after her cancer diagnosis  </li> <li> Kelly’s relationship with survival mode  </li> <li> Why the grocery store kicks up her grief  </li> <li> The ways writing helps Kelly cope and stay connected to Meghan  </li> <li> How Meghan loved Kelly (without condition or hesitation)  </li> <li> The ongoing heaviness of grief  </li> <li> Answering the question “How do I keep moving in a world that doesn’t have this brilliant human being in it?”  </li> </ul>

How Do I Keep Going Without Her? Kelly S. Thompson

Jamie Thrower

Jamie Thrower is a Queer death doula, end-of-life educator, and grief guide in Portland, OR. She is also the founder of the Queer Grief Club which provides inclusive non-traditional grief support offerings for those grieving both death and non-death losses. Jamie knows from her personal experience of grieving the deaths of her parents and her daughter, Birdie, who she and her wife lost in the second trimester, just how important it is for grief support to be reflective of identity, relationships, family constellations, and community.  We get into:  Grieving as a queer person right now and the importance of community &amp; connection. Why the grocery store is so challenging when you’re grieving. The origins of the Queer Grief Club and how it’s different than traditional grief support. How the deaths of her parents and daughter shape the work she does in end-of-life and grief education. The importance of queer specific spaces in grief. Being queer in the gendered world of baby loss grief support. Breaking down the binaries that get created in grief.    What grief has been saying to Jamie lately.   https://jamiethrower.com https://www.instagram.com/queergriefclub/

<a href="https://jamiethrower.com/about" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">Jamie Thrower</a> is a Queer death doula, end-of-life educator, and grief guide in Portland, OR. She is also the founder of the <a href="https://www.instagram.com/queergriefclub/" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">Queer Grief Club</a> which provides inclusive non-traditional grief support offerings for those grieving both death and non-death losses. Jamie knows from her personal experience of grieving the deaths of her parents and her daughter, Birdie, who she and her wife lost in the second trimester, just how important it is for grief support to be reflective of identity, relationships, family constellations, and community.  We get into: <ul> <li>Grieving as a queer person right now and the importance of community &amp; connection.</li> <li>Why the grocery store is so challenging when you’re grieving.</li> <li>The origins of the <a href="https://www.instagram.com/queergriefclub/" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">Queer Grief Club</a> and how it’s different than traditional grief support.</li> <li>How the deaths of her parents and daughter shape the work she does in end-of-life and grief education.</li> <li>The importance of queer specific spaces in grief.</li> <li>Being queer in the gendered world of baby loss grief support.</li> <li>Breaking down the binaries that get created in grief.  </li> <li>What grief has been saying to Jamie lately. </li> </ul> <a href="https://jamiethrower.com/about" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">https://jamiethrower.com</a> <a href="https://www.instagram.com/queergriefclub/" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">https://www.instagram.com/queergriefclub/</a>

We Need Queer Specific Grief Spaces - Queer Grief Club & Jamie Thrower

Even though most of us know and accept that grief doesn't have an end point, it can still be surprising to witness how much it impacts almost every aspect of our lives, including our relationships. This was true for Daniel, who was two days away from his 8th birthday when his father died of a brain tumor. When he was a kid, grief impacted Daniel's relationship with a sense of safety and security. As a young adult, it affected what he was looking for in his dating relationships. Throughout his life, it's shaped who and how he feels safe and comfortable connecting with.  We discuss:  What Daniel remembers about getting the news that his dad was going to die. How the enormity of this loss became more real as he got older. The challenges he faced with trusting men, which affected his experience as gay man. How his coming out process may have been different if his dad was still alive. The parallels Daniels found in coming out as gay and coming out as having a parent who died - how both have left him feeling othered.  How his grief impacted his dating relationships. What he's learned from volunteering in a peer grief support group for young children. What he's come to understand about grief over time.  

Even though most of us know and accept that grief doesn't have an end point, it can still be surprising to witness how much it impacts almost every aspect of our lives, including our relationships. This was true for Daniel, who was two days away from his 8th birthday when his father died of a brain tumor. When he was a kid, grief impacted Daniel's relationship with a sense of safety and security. As a young adult, it affected what he was looking for in his dating relationships. Throughout his life, it's shaped who and how he feels safe and comfortable connecting with.  We discuss: <ul> <li>What Daniel remembers about getting the news that his dad was going to die.</li> <li>How the enormity of this loss became more real as he got older.</li> <li>The challenges he faced with trusting men, which affected his experience as gay man.</li> <li>How his coming out process may have been different if his dad was still alive.</li> <li>The parallels Daniels found in coming out as gay and coming out as having a parent who died - how both have left him feeling othered. </li> <li>How his grief impacted his dating relationships.</li> <li>What he's learned from volunteering in a peer grief support group for young children.</li> <li>What he's come to understand about grief over time. </li> </ul>

It Affects All Of My Relationships

Rebecca Feinglos

What happens when you take a year away from your income generating work to focus completely on grief? This is the question Rebecca Feinglos faced at the end of 2021. Grief wasn't new to Rebecca. She was a teenager when her mother died of brain cancer. On the same day her state shut down due to the COVID pandemic, she got a call that her father had died suddenly. In the ensuing months, she ended her marriage. So, by the time she got to the end of 2021, she was exhausted and empty and unwell. It's common to wish the world would stop and give us a break when someone dies, but we usually dream of escaping from it all. Rebecca did something different - she took a year to delve fully into her grief and along the way she wrote about it on her blog. This experience inspired her to start her organization, GrieveLeave, a community to support others in learning to grieve all of their losses.  We discuss:  Growing up in the shadow of her mother's brain cancer How Rebecca responded to grief as a teen and young adult The sudden death of her father the same day the COVID-19 shutdown began Rebecca's realization that she needed to do something different What she discovered during her GrieveLeave about how to grieve The daily practices Rebecca still does to stay connected to her grief What she hopes to accomplish with GrieveLeave  Follow GrieveLeave on IG &amp; Fbook. 

What happens when you take a year away from your income generating work to focus completely on grief? This is the question <a href="https://www.grieveleave.com/about" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">Rebecca Feinglos</a> faced at the end of 2021. Grief wasn't new to Rebecca. She was a teenager when her mother died of brain cancer. On the same day her state shut down due to the COVID pandemic, she got a call that her father had died suddenly. In the ensuing months, she ended her marriage. So, by the time she got to the end of 2021, she was exhausted and empty and unwell. It's common to wish the world would stop and give us a break when someone dies, but we usually dream of escaping from it all. Rebecca did something different - she took a year to delve fully into her grief and along the way she wrote about it on her blog. This experience inspired her to start her organization, <a href="https://www.grieveleave.com/" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">GrieveLeave</a>, a community to support others in learning to grieve all of their losses.  We discuss: <ul> <li>Growing up in the shadow of her mother's brain cancer</li> <li>How Rebecca responded to grief as a teen and young adult</li> <li>The sudden death of her father the same day the COVID-19 shutdown began</li> <li>Rebecca's realization that she needed to do something different</li> <li>What she discovered during her GrieveLeave about how to grieve</li> <li>The daily practices Rebecca still does to stay connected to her grief</li> <li>What she hopes to accomplish with GrieveLeave</li> </ul> Follow GrieveLeave on <a href="https://www.instagram.com/grieveleave/" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">IG</a> &amp; <a href="https://www.facebook.com/grieveleave" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">Fbook</a>.

I Took A Year Off To Grieve - Rebecca Feinglos & GrieveLeave

Charlotte Maya

It's generally accepted that there's no official end point to grief, but what happens when there's also no end point to the questions about someone's death? Charlotte Maya's life changed drastically when she came home from a hike with her two young children to find two police officers and a priest at her house, waiting with news that her husband Sam had died by suicide. In those early days of grief Charlotte dealt with sadness, anger, confusion, and the endless tasks that come when someone dies. She also faced the question, "Why?" Why did Sam do what he did? What was he going through? Why didn't he ask for help? Almost 16 years later, Charlotte and her children have more understanding about suicide, but they've mostly had to accept that they'll never truly know the answer to a question that only Sam could answer.  Charlotte's new memoir, Sushi Tuesdays, chronicles the first few days, weeks, and years of grief and how she learned to take care of her children and herself in their grief.  We discuss:  The early days of grief The shock of Sam dying of suicide Searching for an answer to "Why?" How anger was a part of grief What Charlotte's two children needed in their grief Falling in love again and blending a family Learning to parent her stepsons who were also grieving How Sushi Tuesdays, Charlotte's dedicated day for self-care came about      If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out for help. You can call the National Crisis Line at 988 or text Hello to the Crisis Text Line at 741741.

It's generally accepted that there's no official end point to grief, but what happens when there's also no end point to the questions about someone's death? <a href="https://www.charlotte-maya.com/about-charlottemaya-author" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Charlotte Maya's</a> life changed drastically when she came home from a hike with her two young children to find two police officers and a priest at her house, waiting with news that her husband Sam had died by suicide. In those early days of grief Charlotte dealt with sadness, anger, confusion, and the endless tasks that come when someone dies. She also faced the question, "Why?" Why did Sam do what he did? What was he going through? Why didn't he ask for help? Almost 16 years later, Charlotte and her children have more understanding about suicide, but they've mostly had to accept that they'll never truly know the answer to a question that only Sam could answer.  Charlotte's new memoir, <a href="https://www.charlotte-maya.com/sushi-tuesdays-charlottemaya-author" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Sushi Tuesdays,</a> chronicles the first few days, weeks, and years of grief and how she learned to take care of her children and herself in their grief.  We discuss: <ul> <li>The early days of grief</li> <li>The shock of Sam dying of suicide</li> <li>Searching for an answer to "Why?"</li> <li>How anger was a part of grief</li> <li>What Charlotte's two children needed in their grief</li> <li>Falling in love again and blending a family</li> <li>Learning to parent her stepsons who were also grieving</li> <li>How Sushi Tuesdays, Charlotte's dedicated day for self-care came about   </li> </ul> If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out for help. You can call the National Crisis Line at 988 or text Hello to the Crisis Text Line at 741741.

There's No End Point - Sushi Tuesdays & Charlotte Maya

"What was your dad like?" It's a simple question that's not easy to answer when you had a complicated relationship with the person who died. Claire's dad died of a stroke almost four years ago and one of the first emotions she felt was relief. Relief that she wouldn't have to worry if he would want to walk her down the aisle when she got married. Relief she wouldn't have to wonder how he'd act in the future. She also felt deep grief and sadness about the relationship they never got to have. Claire's dad was brilliant. He loved music. He was extremely active. He was also emotionally abusive to Claire and her mom. This reality adds layers of complexity not just to her grief, but to navigating other people's assumptions about what their relationship was like.  We talk about:  Grieving when the relationship was complicated Secondary grief &amp; remorse  Forgiving herself &amp; trying to better understand her dad Continuing to work on their relationship, even after his death Finding ways to stay connected to her dad Planning a wedding and balancing how to honor his memory 

"What was your dad like?" It's a simple question that's not easy to answer when you had a complicated relationship with the person who died. Claire's dad died of a stroke almost four years ago and one of the first emotions she felt was relief. Relief that she wouldn't have to worry if he would want to walk her down the aisle when she got married. Relief she wouldn't have to wonder how he'd act in the future. She also felt deep grief and sadness about the relationship they never got to have. Claire's dad was brilliant. He loved music. He was extremely active. He was also emotionally abusive to Claire and her mom. This reality adds layers of complexity not just to her grief, but to navigating other people's assumptions about what their relationship was like.  We talk about: <ul> <li>Grieving when the relationship was complicated</li> <li>Secondary grief &amp; remorse </li> <li>Forgiving herself &amp; trying to better understand her dad</li> <li>Continuing to work on their relationship, even after his death</li> <li>Finding ways to stay connected to her dad</li> <li>Planning a wedding and balancing how to honor his memory</li> </ul>

It's Still Complicated

Remember the last time you tried to talk about grief and suddenly everyone left the room? Grief Out Loud is opening up this often avoided conversation because grief is hard enough without having to go through it alone. We bring you a mix of personal stories, tips for supporting children, teens, and yourself, and interviews with bereavement professionals.  Platitude and cliché-free, we promise! Grief Out Loud is hosted by Jana DeCristofaro and produced by The Dougy Center for Grieving Children &amp; Families in Portland, Oregon.

This podcast really helped with my grief. Excellent insight on how to think about death by suicide.

Supportive podcast

… for kids and parents finding their way through grief.

A great resource…

Grief Out Loud

Claire Bidwell Smith

When grief enters our world, many of us expect to cry and feel frustrated, but we aren’t as prepared for the intense fear and worry that can also be part of loss. Someone being 10 minutes late getting home sparks visions of a car crash or getting a call from the hospital. A random ache or feeling extra tired leaves us thinking we must be dying. Maybe sleep eludes us as we spin over how to do day to day life without our people. Sometimes the hardest part about anxiety is how it can catch us off-guard, either because we’ve never dealt with it before, or because the anxiety we already knew well has ratcheted up to untenable levels. Claire Bidwell Smith, a licensed counselor, author, mother, and grieving daughter recently published her new book, Anxiety, the Missing Stage of Grief, that delves into all the ways anxiety can be part of grief. Before Claire was 25, both of her parents died of cancer. Her adolescence and young adulthood were deeply etched with their illnesses, treatment, and deaths. Out of this devastating grief grew her desire to help others facing similar situations.  Be sure to visit Claire's site to learn more about her work. 

When grief enters our world, many of us expect to cry and feel frustrated, but we aren’t as prepared for the intense fear and worry that can also be part of loss. Someone being 10 minutes late getting home sparks visions of a car crash or getting a call from the hospital. A random ache or feeling extra tired leaves us thinking we must be dying. Maybe sleep eludes us as we spin over how to do day to day life without our people. Sometimes the hardest part about anxiety is how it can catch us off-guard, either because we’ve never dealt with it before, or because the anxiety we already knew well has ratcheted up to untenable levels. Claire Bidwell Smith, a licensed counselor, author, mother, and grieving daughter recently published her new book, <a href="https://clairebidwellsmith.com/anxiety-missing-stage-grief/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Anxiety, the Missing Stage of Grief</a>, that delves into all the ways anxiety can be part of grief. Before Claire was 25, both of her parents died of cancer. Her adolescence and young adulthood were deeply etched with their illnesses, treatment, and deaths. Out of this devastating grief grew her desire to help others facing similar situations.  Be sure to visit <a href="https://clairebidwellsmith.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Claire's site</a> to learn more about her work.

Ep. 106: Grief & Anxiety - Claire Bidwell Smith. LCPC

For Camila, death came barreling into her world with zero warning. When she was 21 her world shifted on its axis on an average morning in September. She woke up in the house she shared with her mother in the Bay Area expecting just another day. Then, she went to check on her mother, only to find that she had died in her sleep. There were no warning signs. No indicators that anything was amiss. Her mom was there and then she wasn’t. In the 9 years since that morning, Camila has grieved intensely and intently. She’s searched for connections with her mother, finding an outlet for expression in writing. Check out Camila's recently published book of poetry:  The Progression of Grief.  Full text of the poem Camila reads at the end of the episode:  The Absence of Her     As the crisp November breeze  Drowns out the rest of October,  The aching sadness  Meanders in.      At first, I attribute it  To anxiety,  To my fear of scarcity  Rooted from fantasy nightmares  Instead of reality.  I want to blame it on  The cold  Or how nostalgic the  Changing seasons  Makes me feel.      But as the days pass,  And it becomes mid November,  And the familiarity of this pain  Settles into all the crevices of my heart,  I know what this really is.      My grief returns,  Amused mildly at my assessment  That it ever left.   As the orange and yellow leaves  Are more present crumbled on the ground  Than dancing on the branches,  I feel myself pulling inwards.     In the absence of  The lady in purple,  The woman who always made me feel  Like everything would be okay,  I have created a life that I love.  A life better than I ever  Could have imagined.      And yet,  The absence of her,  At times --   Many times,  Still feels gaping,  Still feels unjust,  Still feels like I will never recover.      In the absence of  The lady in purple,  I allow myself to see all  The signs of hope and connection,  Always craving another connection to her.      As we barrel forwards,  Approaching another holiday season,  Another winter,  Another year,  The hole within me still feels gaping,  Still feels empty,  Still craving her love and comfort   to fill it. ~Camila Martin

For Camila, death came barreling into her world with zero warning. When she was 21 her world shifted on its axis on an average morning in September. She woke up in the house she shared with her mother in the Bay Area expecting just another day. Then, she went to check on her mother, only to find that she had died in her sleep. There were no warning signs. No indicators that anything was amiss. Her mom was there and then she wasn’t. In the 9 years since that morning, Camila has grieved intensely and intently. She’s searched for connections with her mother, finding an outlet for expression in writing. Check out Camila's recently published book of poetry: <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Progression-Grief-collection-poems/dp/1540394077" rel="nofollow" target="_blank"> The Progression of Grief. </a> Full text of the poem Camila reads at the end of the episode: The Absence of Her   As the crisp November breeze Drowns out the rest of October, The aching sadness Meanders in.    At first, I attribute it To anxiety, To my fear of scarcity Rooted from fantasy nightmares Instead of reality. I want to blame it on The cold Or how nostalgic the Changing seasons Makes me feel.    But as the days pass, And it becomes mid November, And the familiarity of this pain Settles into all the crevices of my heart, I know what this really is.    My grief returns, Amused mildly at my assessment That it ever left.  As the orange and yellow leaves Are more present crumbled on the ground Than dancing on the branches, I feel myself pulling inwards.   In the absence of The lady in purple, The woman who always made me feel Like everything would be okay, I have created a life that I love. A life better than I ever Could have imagined.    And yet, The absence of her, At times --  Many times, Still feels gaping, Still feels unjust, Still feels like I will never recover.    In the absence of The lady in purple, I allow myself to see all The signs of hope and connection, Always craving another connection to her.    As we barrel forwards, Approaching another holiday season, Another winter, Another year, The hole within me still feels gaping, Still feels empty, Still craving her love and comfort  to fill it. ~Camila Martin

Ep. 97: An Unexpected Devastation

Megan Devine

Megan Devine, writer, speaker, and grief advocate discusses her work to bring grief out of the whisper corner. We talk about how to talk about grief, the death positivity movement, Megan's book, It's OK That You're Not OK - Meeting Grief &amp; Loss in a Culture that Doesn't Understand, and what she terms the grief revolution.    Ways to connect with Megan that we reference in the episode:   Article - Death Positivity in the Face of Grief on The Order of the Good Death website.  (www.orderofthegooddeath.com/death-positivity-face-grief)   Book - It's OK That You're Not OK - Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand (www.refugeingrief.com/book/)   Website - Refuge in Grief (www.refugeingrief.com)   Review of her book in The New York Times  - Understanding Grief: Megan Devine and the Grief Revolution in  Jane Brody’s Wellness column at the New York Times. (www.nytimes.com/2018/01/24/learning/how-do-you-cope-with-grief.html)   Music written and performed by Leila Chieko

Megan Devine, writer, speaker, and grief advocate discusses her work to bring grief out of the whisper corner. We talk about how to talk about grief, the death positivity movement, Megan's book, It's OK That You're Not OK - Meeting Grief &amp; Loss in a Culture that Doesn't Understand, and what she terms the grief revolution.    Ways to connect with Megan that we reference in the episode:   Article - Death Positivity in the Face of Grief on <a href="http://www.orderofthegooddeath.com/death-positivity-face-grief" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">The Order of the Good Death website.</a>  (<a href="http://www.orderofthegooddeath.com/death-positivity-face-grief" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.orderofthegooddeath.com/death-positivity-face-grief</a>)   Book - <a href="http://www.refugeingrief.com/book/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">It's OK That You're Not OK - Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand</a> (<a href="http://www.refugeingrief.com/book/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.refugeingrief.com/book/</a>)   Website - <a href="http://www.refugeingrief.com" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Refuge in Grief</a> (<a href="http://www.refugeingrief.com" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.refugeingrief.com</a>)   Review of her book in The New York Times  - Understanding Grief: Megan Devine and the Grief Revolution in <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/24/learning/how-do-you-cope-with-grief.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank"> Jane Brody’s Wellness column at the New York Times.</a> (<a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/24/learning/how-do-you-cope-with-grief.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.nytimes.com/2018/01/24/learning/how-do-you-cope-with-grief.html</a>)   Music written and performed by Leila Chieko

Ep. 72: Inviting Grief Out Of The Whisper Corner - Megan Devine

Halfway through her junior year of high school, Lily's father died suddenly of a heart attack. In shock and angry about everything that would be different in her life without her father, Lily was devastated. As she made her way into this new landscape of grief, Lily sought to fulfill her father’s wish that she do what he didn’t have the opportunity to do - graduate high school, attend college, and grow into the powerful whirlwind of a woman he raised her to be. Lily shares tangible suggestions for teachers, counselors, family, and friends on how to show up and support a teen in grief.  Be sure to watch Lily's powerful documentary about her father. 

Halfway through her junior year of high school, Lily's father died suddenly of a heart attack. In shock and angry about everything that would be different in her life without her father, Lily was devastated. As she made her way into this new landscape of grief, Lily sought to fulfill her father’s wish that she do what he didn’t have the opportunity to do - graduate high school, attend college, and grow into the powerful whirlwind of a woman he raised her to be. Lily shares tangible suggestions for teachers, counselors, family, and friends on how to show up and support a teen in grief. Be sure to watch Lily's <a href="https://youtu.be/IT4_oCm3Nvc" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">powerful documentary</a> about her father.

Ep. 90: What I Needed - Tips From A Grieving Teen

 Jana talks with Erin Shuster about the death of her brother from suicide. A former young adult group participant and volunteer, Erin talks openly about the unique aspects of grief when someone dies of suicide and how she learned to identify her needs and advocate for herself.      For information about our groups for young adults, visit: http://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/help-for-young-adults/     Know a child who is grieving? The Dougy Center Workbook:  After a Suicide Death: an Activity Book for Grieving Kids is designed for those ages 5-12.     Other great resources for suicide grief support:   American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: www.afsp.org Suicide Bereavement Support NW: www.sbsnw.org 

Jana talks with Erin Shuster about the death of her brother from suicide. A former young adult group participant and volunteer, Erin talks openly about the unique aspects of grief when someone dies of suicide and how she learned to identify her needs and advocate for herself.  For information about our groups for young adults, visit: <a href="http://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/help-for-young-adults/" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">http://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/help-for-young-adults/</a>   Know a child who is grieving? The Dougy Center Workbook: <a href="http://www.tdcbookstore.org/store/p14/After_a_Suicide_Death%3A_An_Activity_Book_for_Grieving_Kids_Item_%23551.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank"> After a Suicide Death: an Activity Book for Grieving Kids</a> is designed for those ages 5-12.   Other great resources for suicide grief support: <ul> <li>American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: <a href="http://www.afsp.org/" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">www.afsp.org</a></li> <li>Suicide Bereavement Support NW: <a href="http://www.sbsnw.org/" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">www.sbsnw.org</a></li> </ul>

Ep. 17: Grieving A Suicide Death 

Sue Klebold

Sue Klebold is the mother of Dylan Klebold, one of the two shooters at Columbine High School who, in 1999, killed twelve students and a teacher, and wounded more than 20 others before taking their own lives. In our conversation with we explore how current day mass tragedies continue to affect her. We also look at how tragedies like Columbine occur - and how someone's thinking can become suicidal and homicidal. Before publishing her book, A Mother’s Reckoning: Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy, Sue spent 15 years excavating every detail of her family life, and trying to understand the crucial intersection between mental health problems and violence. Instead of becoming paralyzed by her grief and remorse, she worked to advance mental health awareness. Sue is donating all author’s profits from her book to organizations that promote brain health and prevent suicide. Resources mentioned in this episode:   Sue's TED Talk,  My son was a Columbine shooter. This is my story. https://www.ted.com/talks/sue_klebold_my_son_was_a_columbine_shooter_this_is_my_story   Sue's Book, A Mother's Reckoning: Living in the aftermath of Tragedy http://amothersreckoning.com/   If you or someone you know needs help, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255)   Music: "Which That Is This?" by Doctor Turtle From the Free Music Archive CC BY  http://freemusicarchive.org/music/Doctor_Turtle/Jonahs_Message_for_New_York/Which_That_Is_This Music: "I Thought of Pills" by Lee Rosevere From the Free Music Archive CC BY  http://freemusicarchive.org/music/Lee_Rosevere/The_Big_Loop_-_FML_original_podcast_score/Lee_Rosevere_-_The_Big_Loop_-_FML_original_podcast_score_-_07_I_Thought_Of_Pills

Sue Klebold is the mother of Dylan Klebold, one of the two shooters at Columbine High School who, in 1999, killed twelve students and a teacher, and wounded more than 20 others before taking their own lives. In our conversation with we explore how current day mass tragedies continue to affect her. We also look at how tragedies like Columbine occur - and how someone's thinking can become suicidal and homicidal. Before publishing her book, A Mother’s Reckoning: Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy, Sue spent 15 years excavating every detail of her family life, and trying to understand the crucial intersection between mental health problems and violence. Instead of becoming paralyzed by her grief and remorse, she worked to advance mental health awareness. Sue is donating all author’s profits from her book to organizations that promote brain health and prevent suicide. Resources mentioned in this episode:   Sue's TED Talk, <a href="https://www.ted.com/talks/sue_klebold_my_son_was_a_columbine_shooter_this_is_my_story" rel="nofollow" target="_blank"> My son was a Columbine shooter. This is my story.</a> <a href="https://www.ted.com/talks/sue_klebold_my_son_was_a_columbine_shooter_this_is_my_story" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">https://www.ted.com/talks/sue_klebold_my_son_was_a_columbine_shooter_this_is_my_story</a>   Sue's Book, <a href="http://amothersreckoning.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">A Mother's Reckoning: Living in the aftermath of Tragedy</a> <a href="http://amothersreckoning.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">http://amothersreckoning.com/</a>   If you or someone you know needs help, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255)   Music: "Which That Is This?" by Doctor Turtle From the Free Music Archive CC BY <a href="http://freemusicarchive.org/music/Doctor_Turtle/Jonahs_Message_for_New_York/Which_That_Is_This" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">http://freemusicarchive.org/music/Doctor_Turtle/Jonahs_Message_for_New_York/Which_That_Is_This</a> Music: "I Thought of Pills" by Lee Rosevere From the Free Music Archive CC BY <a href="http://freemusicarchive.org/music/Lee_Rosevere/The_Big_Loop_-_FML_original_podcast_score/Lee_Rosevere_-_The_Big_Loop_-_FML_original_podcast_score_-_07_I_Thought_Of_Pills" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">http://freemusicarchive.org/music/Lee_Rosevere/The_Big_Loop_-_FML_original_podcast_score/Lee_Rosevere_-_The_Big_Loop_-_FML_original_podcast_score_-_07_I_Thought_Of_Pills</a>

Ep. 65: A Mother's Story - Sue Klebold

It's a New Year's Eve encore episode and we're bringing back Ep. 11: Who Am I Now? Brendon and Jana delve into the many layers of loss that we grapple with when someone dies and how that loss can change us. When we grieve, we miss the person and who they were in our lives. We miss who we were with them. Often we miss who we were in general before the death. As we think towards the future, we grieve for the events and occasions that we won’t share with the person. Over time, people in grief may start to see themselves differently. What they value, prioritize, and want in life can change radically. These changes occur on many levels:  Spiritual shifts Difficulty remembering/accomplishing small tasks. Want to be social/difficult to be around people More compassionate/less able to tolerate everyday drama Put more time and energy into relationships Less concerned with work and material success/more immersed in work Can’t seem to exercise/exercise all the time  Increased interest in movies/books/songs about grief –  can’t tolerate them  As you sort through what is different, it can be helpful sit with a series of questions:  How do you see yourself now? How do you see the world? Which of these changes do you value? What strengths have you discovered? Where are the places in your life that you need additional support? What parts of yourself do you miss and want to re-cultivate? 

It's a New Year's Eve encore episode and we're bringing back Ep. 11: Who Am I Now? Brendon and Jana delve into the many layers of loss that we grapple with when someone dies and how that loss can change us. When we grieve, we miss the person and who they were in our lives. We miss who we were with them. Often we miss who we were in general before the death. As we think towards the future, we grieve for the events and occasions that we won’t share with the person. Over time, people in grief may start to see themselves differently. What they value, prioritize, and want in life can change radically. These changes occur on many levels: <ul> <li>Spiritual shifts</li> <li>Difficulty remembering/accomplishing small tasks.</li> <li>Want to be social/difficult to be around people</li> <li>More compassionate/less able to tolerate everyday drama</li> <li>Put more time and energy into relationships</li> <li>Less concerned with work and material success/more immersed in work</li> <li>Can’t seem to exercise/exercise all the time </li> <li>Increased interest in movies/books/songs about grief –  can’t tolerate them</li> </ul> As you sort through what is different, it can be helpful sit with a series of questions: <ul> <li>How do you see yourself now?</li> <li>How do you see the world?</li> <li>Which of these changes do you value?</li> <li>What strengths have you discovered?</li> <li>Where are the places in your life that you need additional support?</li> <li>What parts of yourself do you miss and want to re-cultivate?</li> </ul>

Encore Ep. 11: Who Am I Now? 

Losing and finding yourself in grief. Brendon and Jana delve into the many layers of loss that we grapple with when someone dies and how that loss can change us. When we grieve, we miss the person and who they were in our lives. We miss who we were with them. Often we miss who we were in general before the death. As we think towards the future, we grieve for the events and occasions that we won’t share with the person. Over time, people in grief may start to see themselves differently. What they value, prioritize, and want in life can change radically. These changes occur on many levels:  Spiritual shifts Difficulty remembering/accomplishing small tasks. Want to be social/difficult to be around people More compassionate/less able to tolerate everyday drama Put more time and energy into relationships Less concerned with work and material success/more immersed in work Can’t seem to exercise/exercise all the time – need it Increased interest in movies/books/songs about grief – vs. can’t tolerate them at all  As you sort through what is different, it can be helpful sit with a series of questions:  How do you see yourself now? How do you see the world? Which of these changes do you value? What strengths have you discovered? Where are the places in your life that you need additional support? What parts of yourself do you miss and want to re-cultivate?   Here is a related article on The Dougy Center web site.

Losing and finding yourself in grief. Brendon and Jana delve into the many layers of loss that we grapple with when someone dies and how that loss can change us. When we grieve, we miss the person and who they were in our lives. We miss who we were with them. Often we miss who we were in general before the death. As we think towards the future, we grieve for the events and occasions that we won’t share with the person. Over time, people in grief may start to see themselves differently. What they value, prioritize, and want in life can change radically. These changes occur on many levels: <ul> <li>Spiritual shifts</li> <li>Difficulty remembering/accomplishing small tasks.</li> <li>Want to be social/difficult to be around people</li> <li>More compassionate/less able to tolerate everyday drama</li> <li>Put more time and energy into relationships</li> <li>Less concerned with work and material success/more immersed in work</li> <li>Can’t seem to exercise/exercise all the time – need it</li> <li>Increased interest in movies/books/songs about grief – vs. can’t tolerate them at all</li> </ul> As you sort through what is different, it can be helpful sit with a series of questions: <ul> <li>How do you see yourself now?</li> <li>How do you see the world?</li> <li>Which of these changes do you value?</li> <li>What strengths have you discovered?</li> <li>Where are the places in your life that you need additional support?</li> <li>What parts of yourself do you miss and want to re-cultivate?</li> </ul> <a href="http://www.dougy.org/news-events/program-articles/who-am-i-now-losing-and-finding-yourself-in-grief/1649/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank"> Here is a related article on The Dougy Center web site.</a>

Ep. 11: Who Am I Now?

Allison Gilbert

We hear about how powerful and important it can be to keep memories and connection alive with the people we are grieving, but how do we actually do that? Allison Gilbert, Emmy award-winning journalist, speaker, and workshop leader, is the author of numerous books including the groundbreaking, Passed and Present: Keeping Memories of Loved Ones Alive, which outlines 85 creative ways to remember those who have died. We discuss turning a treasured recipe into a scavenger hunt, repurposing clothing, books, and other belongings, and how to navigate this idea when the relationship you had with the person was complicated or conflicted.    Read more from Allison:  Website Passed and Present: Keeping Memories of Loved Ones Alive Q&amp;A's with actors, writers, and other public figures  "The Reflection Effect" essay in O, the Oprah Magazine

We hear about how powerful and important it can be to keep memories and connection alive with the people we are grieving, but how do we actually do that? Allison Gilbert, Emmy award-winning journalist, speaker, and workshop leader, is the author of numerous books including the groundbreaking, Passed and Present: Keeping Memories of Loved Ones Alive, which outlines 85 creative ways to remember those who have died. We discuss turning a treasured recipe into a scavenger hunt, repurposing clothing, books, and other belongings, and how to navigate this idea when the relationship you had with the person was complicated or conflicted.    Read more from Allison: <a href="http://allisongilbert.com/" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank"> Website</a> <a href="http://allisongilbert.com/books/passed-and-present/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Passed and Present: Keeping Memories of Loved Ones Alive</a> <a href="http://allisongilbert.com/featured-interviews/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Q&amp;A's with actors, writers, and other public figures</a> <a href="http://www.oprah.com/health_wellness/How-Nostalgia-Relieves-Loneliness-and-Grief" rel="nofollow" target="_blank"> "The Reflection Effect" essay in O, the Oprah Magazine</a>

Ep. 103: Staying Connected In Grief - Allison Gilbert

The last in a three-part series talking with those grieving the death of someone when the relationship was complex, difficult, or challenging. Jana talks with Diana about her father who died after seven years of no contact with him. Her mother, whom she was very close with, died 13 years earlier. 

The last in a three-part series talking with those grieving the death of someone when the relationship was complex, difficult, or challenging. Jana talks with Diana about her father who died after seven years of no contact with him. Her mother, whom she was very close with, died 13 years earlier.

Ep. 26: Grief And Complex Relationships (Part 3) - The Death Of A Parent

Jana is joined by Dougy Center staff member, Heather Dorfman, to talk about what helps (or might help) in grief, outside the realm of more formal support. As you listen to this episode, keep in mind:  These ideas may help for some, not others. What’s helpful can be unique for each person and very much informed by culture and other identities (just like grief). Some may have more options around taking care of self and children than others. Support people can focus their efforts on creating opportunities for their grieving loved ones to engage in self-care and compassion. Grief is holistic – involves emotions, body, mind, spirit/heart, community/relationships. Engaging in intentional activities to support each of these dimensions can be helpful. Consider writing down the ideas you’d like to try - it can sometimes be tough to remember them in the moment they’re needed. If accepting help from others is challenging, consider that your acceptance of support is often experienced as such a gift by your friend or loved one – so do it for their sake if necessary!   Body/movement –  Grief can show up in our bodies as sluggishness, excess energy, stomach and sleep upsets  Walking, hiking or otherwise moving and spending time outside Dancing, yoga, swimming Punching pillows/bed Knitting Setting a fitness goal that is safe for you Pay attention to what sorts of foods help with stomach upsets, and activities that help with settling into sleep and staying asleep at night.    Mind –  May experience a slow/foggy feeling in the brain, inability to concentrate/focus, confusion, rumination. Activities that help with focus, connection, and slowing things down can help.  Learning/sharing new facts. Making calculations – concrete activities Reading (grief-related and non-grief books), podcasts, tv shows Meditating Crosswords/word searches/Sudoku/other games Debating    Emotional/spiritual/social –  Many receive support from a spiritual or other community. Your community might look like being in the trees, at the ocean, in a gym or library, participating in a support group, mosque, temple or church. Here are some other ideas:  Meditation Ceremony/ritual, which can offer a sense of control, routine/structure, marking important experiences, dates Making or listening to music; making/experiencing other art (even coloring sheets). It may be helpful to make the activity simple for you Humor – which might look like dark, silly, or wry humor Cooking for self and others – or not cooking! Volunteering, which can offer the opportunity to step out of your own story for a while    To find more formal grief support in your community, visit our website to search for help near you.

Jana is joined by Dougy Center staff member, Heather Dorfman, to talk about what helps (or might help) in grief, outside the realm of more formal support. As you listen to this episode, keep in mind: <ul> <li>These ideas may help for some, not others. What’s helpful can be unique for each person and very much informed by culture and other identities (just like grief).</li> <li>Some may have more options around taking care of self and children than others. Support people can focus their efforts on creating opportunities for their grieving loved ones to engage in self-care and compassion.</li> <li>Grief is holistic – involves emotions, body, mind, spirit/heart, community/relationships. Engaging in intentional activities to support each of these dimensions can be helpful.</li> <li>Consider writing down the ideas you’d like to try - it can sometimes be tough to remember them in the moment they’re needed.</li> <li>If accepting help from others is challenging, consider that your acceptance of support is often experienced as such a gift by your friend or loved one – so do it for their sake if necessary! </li> </ul> Body/movement – <ul> <li>Grief can show up in our bodies as sluggishness, excess energy, stomach and sleep upsets <ul> <li>Walking, hiking or otherwise moving and spending time outside</li> <li>Dancing, yoga, swimming</li> <li>Punching pillows/bed</li> <li>Knitting</li> <li>Setting a fitness goal that is safe for you</li> <li>Pay attention to what sorts of foods help with stomach upsets, and activities that help with settling into sleep and staying asleep at night.</li> </ul> </li> </ul> Mind – <ul> <li>May experience a slow/foggy feeling in the brain, inability to concentrate/focus, confusion, rumination. Activities that help with focus, connection, and slowing things down can help. <ul> <li>Learning/sharing new facts. Making calculations – concrete activities</li> <li>Reading (grief-related and non-grief books), podcasts, tv shows</li> <li>Meditating</li> <li>Crosswords/word searches/Sudoku/other games</li> <li>Debating</li> </ul> </li> </ul> Emotional/spiritual/social – <ul> <li>Many receive support from a spiritual or other community. Your community might look like being in the trees, at the ocean, in a gym or library, participating in a support group, mosque, temple or church. Here are some other ideas: <ul> <li>Meditation</li> <li>Ceremony/ritual, which can offer a sense of control, routine/structure, marking important experiences, dates</li> <li>Making or listening to music; making/experiencing other art (even coloring sheets). It may be helpful to make the activity simple for you</li> <li>Humor – which might look like dark, silly, or wry humor</li> <li>Cooking for self and others – or not cooking!</li> <li>Volunteering, which can offer the opportunity to step out of your own story for a while</li> </ul> </li> </ul> To find more formal grief support in your community, visit <a href="http://www.dougy.org/grief-support-programs/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">our website to search for help near you.</a>

Ep. 38: What Helps When You're Grieving - Ideas For Body, Mind, and Spirit

Megan Devine joins us again, this time talking about another shadow aspect of grief - anger. Anger shows up in many ways, including being angry at the person who died, at ourselves, and at someone or something we hold responsible for the death. Megan shares her personal and professional insight on the importance of acknowledging this anger and finding ways to navigate what can often be a very uncomfortable emotion. Megan is a teacher, speaker, psychotherapist, and also the author of the book, It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand, coming from Sounds True in September 2017. It's available for pre-order on Amazon and you can order it here. To learn more about Megan's practical, no-nonsense approach to grief, and her ability to guide people inside some of the most devastating experiences of life and love, check out her website. Want to listen to our first conversation with Megan about dating after the death of a partner? You can find it here.

Megan Devine joins us again, this time talking about another shadow aspect of grief - anger. Anger shows up in many ways, including being angry at the person who died, at ourselves, and at someone or something we hold responsible for the death. Megan shares her personal and professional insight on the importance of acknowledging this anger and finding ways to navigate what can often be a very uncomfortable emotion. Megan is a teacher, speaker, psychotherapist, and also the author of the book, It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand, coming from Sounds True in September 2017. It's available for pre-order on Amazon and you can <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Its-That-Youre-Not-Understand/dp/1622039076/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1489619305&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=megan+devine" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">order it here</a>. To learn more about Megan's practical, no-nonsense approach to grief, and her ability to guide people inside some of the most devastating experiences of life and love, <a href="http://www.refugeingrief.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">check out her website.</a> Want to listen to our first conversation with Megan about dating after the death of a partner? You can <a href="http://deardougy.libsyn.com/the-thing-i-never-thought-id-do-again" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">find it here.</a>

Ep. 51: Anger & Grief - Megan Devine

In this episode, Jana and Brendon, answer two questions from the community. The first is from a mother of two young children who wonders what she can do with the ashes of her partner. The second from a young adult struggling with whether they should go to the funeral of a close friend’s mother. In this frank conversation, we discuss common and not so common options for what to do with ashes and outline some foundational questions to consider, both for adults and children when deciding.   Two resources with ideas for what to do with the ashes of someone who dies:  A long list of options for ashes from Mental Floss Another list of 27 options for ashes from Urns Online 

In this episode, Jana and Brendon, answer two questions from the community. The first is from a mother of two young children who wonders what she can do with the ashes of her partner. The second from a young adult struggling with whether they should go to the funeral of a close friend’s mother. In this frank conversation, we discuss common and not so common options for what to do with ashes and outline some foundational questions to consider, both for adults and children when deciding.   Two resources with ideas for what to do with the ashes of someone who dies: <ul> <li>A long list of <a href="http://mentalfloss.com/article/51905/10-amazing-things-your-ashes-can-do-after-you-die" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">options for ashes</a> from Mental Floss</li> <li>Another list of <a href="http://www.usurnsonline.com/oddbits/27-things-to-do-with-cremated-remains/" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">27 options for ashes</a> from Urns Online</li> </ul>

Ep. 2: Ashes & Funerals

When someone dies, we often discover things about them we didn’t know before. Those discoveries can range from mundane preferences like realizing your dad didn’t love chocolate to huge revelations that alter your entire perspective on the person and the life you shared with them. What author Jan Canty discovered about her husband after he was murdered changed everything and left her shocked and angry. Now, 30 years after her husband’s death, Jan is working on a book entitled Till Death We Did Part: A Memoir of Deception/Murder and Recovery. Ways to connect with Jan and find out more about her upcoming book: Facebook  Website

When someone dies, we often discover things about them we didn’t know before. Those discoveries can range from mundane preferences like realizing your dad didn’t love chocolate to huge revelations that alter your entire perspective on the person and the life you shared with them. What author Jan Canty discovered about her husband after he was murdered changed everything and left her shocked and angry. Now, 30 years after her husband’s death, Jan is working on a book entitled Till Death We Did Part: A Memoir of Deception/Murder and Recovery. Ways to connect with Jan and find out more about her upcoming book: <a href="https://www.facebook.com/JCantyPhD/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Facebook</a> <a href="%20http:/www.jancantyphd.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Website</a>

Ep. 94: Conflicted Grief - Jan Canty, PhD

One aspect of grief that rarely gets mentioned is losing someone twice- once in a life-altering circumstance and again when they die. This feeling can arise from a variety of circumstances including substance abuse, mental illness, the personality changes related to a physical illness, or other situation where there is a radical change in a relationship long before someone dies. For people left behind, this can add a complexity in understanding their feelings of grief. Our guest Caraline's older brother Bobby died of mental illness in 2016, 10 years after being diagnosed with schizophrenia. Six months after Bobby's death, Caraline had an epiphany. She realized she never dealt with her feelings of grief surrounding his diagnosis. A realization that would serve as a major turning point in her grief. To learn more about NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) visit: www.nami.org.

One aspect of grief that rarely gets mentioned is losing someone twice- once in a life-altering circumstance and again when they die. This feeling can arise from a variety of circumstances including substance abuse, mental illness, the personality changes related to a physical illness, or other situation where there is a radical change in a relationship long before someone dies. For people left behind, this can add a complexity in understanding their feelings of grief. Our guest Caraline's older brother Bobby died of mental illness in 2016, 10 years after being diagnosed with schizophrenia. Six months after Bobby's death, Caraline had an epiphany. She realized she never dealt with her feelings of grief surrounding his diagnosis. A realization that would serve as a major turning point in her grief. To learn more about NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) visit: <a href="http://www.nami.org/" rel="noopener nofollow" target="_blank">www.nami.org</a>.

Ep. 63: Losing Someone Twice

This is an encore episode that originally aired on February 25th, 2019.  When grief enters our world, many of us expect to cry and feel frustrated, but we aren’t as prepared for the intense fear and worry that can also be part of loss. Someone being 10 minutes late getting home sparks visions of a car crash or getting a call from the hospital. Maybe sleep eludes us as we spin over how to do day to day life without our people. Sometimes the hardest part about anxiety is how it can catch us off-guard, either because we’ve never dealt with it before, or because the anxiety we already knew well has grown to an untenable level. Claire Bidwell Smith, a licensed counselor, author, mother, and grieving daughter recently published her new book, Anxiety, the Missing Stage of Grief, that delves into all the ways anxiety can be part of grief. Before Claire was 25, both of her parents died of cancer. Her adolescence and young adulthood were deeply etched with their illnesses, treatment, and deaths. Out of this devastating grief grew her desire to help others facing similar situations.  Resources: Claire's website Self-Care Planning Tip Sheet   NASP (National Association of School Psychologists) Tips on talking with children about coronavirus/COVID-19 It's OK That You're Not OK by Megan Devine

This is an encore episode that originally aired on February 25th, 2019.  When grief enters our world, many of us expect to cry and feel frustrated, but we aren’t as prepared for the intense fear and worry that can also be part of loss. Someone being 10 minutes late getting home sparks visions of a car crash or getting a call from the hospital. Maybe sleep eludes us as we spin over how to do day to day life without our people. Sometimes the hardest part about anxiety is how it can catch us off-guard, either because we’ve never dealt with it before, or because the anxiety we already knew well has grown to an untenable level. Claire Bidwell Smith, a licensed counselor, author, mother, and grieving daughter recently published her new book, <a href="https://clairebidwellsmith.com/anxiety-missing-stage-grief/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Anxiety, the Missing Stage of Grief</a>, that delves into all the ways anxiety can be part of grief. Before Claire was 25, both of her parents died of cancer. Her adolescence and young adulthood were deeply etched with their illnesses, treatment, and deaths. Out of this devastating grief grew her desire to help others facing similar situations.  Resources: <a href="https://clairebidwellsmith.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Claire's website</a><a href="https://www.dougy.org/docs/Facilitator_Tip_Sheet_Self_Care_20.pdf" rel="nofollow" target="_blank"> Self-Care Planning Tip Sheet </a> <a href="https://www.nasponline.org/resources-and-publications/resources-and-podcasts/school-climate-safety-and-crisis/health-crisis-resources/talking-to-children-about-covid-19-(coronavirus)-a-parent-resource" rel="nofollow" target="_blank"> NASP (National Association of School Psychologists) Tips</a> on talking with children about coronavirus/COVID-19 <a href="https://www.refugeingrief.com/book/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">It's OK That You're Not OK by Megan Devine</a>

Encore Ep. 106: Grief & Anxiety - Claire Bidwell Smith, LCPC

Back before you could ask Google anything from, “What’s the best way to clean shower grout?” to “How do I grieve my parent?” when it came to answering these kinds of questions, we turned to bookstores and libraries to search for answers. In the late 1980’s and early 1990’s, even if you did go looking for information about grief, you’d be more likely to find a dense, clinical textbook than something that could help you understand what you were going through. Then in 1994, Hope Edelman published her groundbreaking book, Motherless Daughters. A book that spoke to thousands of women grieving their mothers. Brennan Wood, Executive Director of The Dougy Center, was one of those readers. Soon after the release of Motherless Daughters, Hope and Brennan met for the first time on the Leeza Gibbons daytime talk show. Twenty-five years later they’re together again for a conversation about being motherless daughters who grew up to be motherless mothers.  Learn more about Hope's writing and work. 

Back before you could ask Google anything from, “What’s the best way to clean shower grout?” to “How do I grieve my parent?” when it came to answering these kinds of questions, we turned to bookstores and libraries to search for answers. In the late 1980’s and early 1990’s, even if you did go looking for information about grief, you’d be more likely to find a dense, clinical textbook than something that could help you understand what you were going through. Then in 1994, Hope Edelman published her groundbreaking book, <a href="https://hopeedelman.com/buy-the-books/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Motherless Daughters</a>. A book that spoke to thousands of women grieving their mothers. Brennan Wood, Executive Director of <a href="https://www.dougy.org/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">The Dougy Center</a>, was one of those readers. Soon after the release of Motherless Daughters, Hope and Brennan met for the first time on the Leeza Gibbons daytime talk show. Twenty-five years later they’re together again for a conversation about being motherless daughters who grew up to be motherless mothers.  Learn more about <a href="https://hopeedelman.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Hope's writing and work</a>.

Ep. 109: Motherless Daughters, 25 Years Later - Hope Edelman & Brennan Wood

David Kessler

David Kessler is a renowned author, speaker, and retreat leader. He co-authored two books, On Grief and Grieving and Life Lessons, with another grief and loss icon, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. As with so many who are drawn to working with grief, David’s professional path started with the personal. At 13 he witnessed a mass shooting while his mother was dying in the ICU. In 2016 he became a grieving parent when his younger son, David, died at 21. David's newest book, Finding Meaning - the Sixth Stage of Grief, was inspired by his search to continue finding meaning in his own life and work. Be sure to connect with David at www.grief.com

<a href="https://grief.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">David Kessle</a>r is a renowned author, speaker, and retreat leader. He co-authored two books, On Grief and Grieving and Life Lessons, with another grief and loss icon, <a href="https://www.ekrfoundation.org/elisabeth-kubler-ross/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Elisabeth Kübler-Ross</a>. As with so many who are drawn to working with grief, David’s professional path started with the personal. At 13 he witnessed a mass shooting while his mother was dying in the ICU. In 2016 he became a grieving parent when his younger son, David, died at 21. David's newest book, <a href="https://www.davidkesslertraining.com/finding-meaning" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Finding Meaning - the Sixth Stage of Grief</a>, was inspired by his search to continue finding meaning in his own life and work. Be sure to connect with David at <a href="http://www.grief.com" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.grief.com</a>

Ep. 132: Finding Meaning - David Kessler

   Alternatives to “I’m sorry for your loss.”    This episode delves into that moment when you find out about a death. Most of us don’t know what to say or do, so we go turn to what we’ve heard others say in a similar situation, “I’m sorry for your loss.” While there’s nothing wrong with those words, especially when said with authenticity and full presence, it’s helpful to know how that phrase affects those who are grieving and what you can say instead. Whether it’s getting a phone call with the news, writing out a sympathy card, or learning about a loss during a casual conversation, everyone encounters the dilemma of what to say and how to communicate we care.     Alternatives     “I was so sad when I heard the news about your mom’s death.”       With children and teens, they appreciate an honest: “That totally sucks.”     If you do go with “I’m sorry” expanding it to “I’m so sorry you have to go through this,” or “I’m so sorry this is happening.” can break up the monotony of “I’m sorry for your loss.”     If you’re talking with someone, try reflecting back what they’ve said, allowing them to say more:     “Your dad just died last night.”     “Today’s the anniversary of your sister’s death.”     When writing a sympathy card or email:     Consider sharing a specific memory of the person who died: “I remember so clearly your mom’s smile, it made me feel so welcome.”    “There are no good words, just want you to know you are on my mind and in my heart.” can acknowledge that words don’t always measure up in times of grief. 

Alternatives to “I’m sorry for your loss.” This episode delves into that moment when you find out about a death. Most of us don’t know what to say or do, so we go turn to what we’ve heard others say in a similar situation, “I’m sorry for your loss.” While there’s nothing wrong with those words, especially when said with authenticity and full presence, it’s helpful to know how that phrase affects those who are grieving and what you can say instead. Whether it’s getting a phone call with the news, writing out a sympathy card, or learning about a loss during a casual conversation, everyone encounters the dilemma of what to say and how to communicate we care. Alternatives <ul> <li> “I was so sad when I heard the news about your mom’s death.” </li> </ul> <ul> <li> With children and teens, they appreciate an honest: “That totally sucks.” </li> <li> If you do go with “I’m sorry” expanding it to “I’m so sorry you have to go through this,” or “I’m so sorry this is happening.” can break up the monotony of “I’m sorry for your loss.” </li> </ul> If you’re talking with someone, try reflecting back what they’ve said, allowing them to say more: <ul> <li> “Your dad just died last night.” </li> <li> “Today’s the anniversary of your sister’s death.” </li> </ul> When writing a sympathy card or email: <ul> <li> Consider sharing a specific memory of the person who died: “I remember so clearly your mom’s smile, it made me feel so welcome.” </li> <li> “There are no good words, just want you to know you are on my mind and in my heart.” can acknowledge that words don’t always measure up in times of grief.</li> </ul>

Ep. 4: No Apology Needed

 Jana talks with Rebecca Hobbs-Lawrence, a staff member at The Dougy Center, about ways to support children who experience the death of a brother or sister. The loss of a child shatters assumptions parents hold regarding their role as protector and their beliefs about the natural order of children outliving their parents. A child’s death can cause tremendous upheaval in families as a parent’s overwhelming grief pulls them away from their surviving children, often leaving siblings alone to deal with their own grief. Children and teen siblings grieve a unique relationship, one of friend and foe, a companion that will travel alongside in life’s adventures. After a sibling death, children and teens may question their own importance, wondering, “Am I not enough?”       Suggestions for supporting a grieving sibling:   Grieve together as a family, allowing space for the individual expression of grief. Celebrate together, choosing important days and rituals of remembrance. Talk with each other about anything and everything. Be together. It’s easy for parents or kids to isolate from each other. Try to find things to do together. Seek out support.    For additional suggestions, check out our Tip Sheet about siblings.

Jana talks with Rebecca Hobbs-Lawrence, a staff member at The Dougy Center, about ways to support children who experience the death of a brother or sister. The loss of a child shatters assumptions parents hold regarding their role as protector and their beliefs about the natural order of children outliving their parents. A child’s death can cause tremendous upheaval in families as a parent’s overwhelming grief pulls them away from their surviving children, often leaving siblings alone to deal with their own grief. Children and teen siblings grieve a unique relationship, one of friend and foe, a companion that will travel alongside in life’s adventures. After a sibling death, children and teens may question their own importance, wondering, “Am I not enough?”     Suggestions for supporting a grieving sibling: <ol> <li>Grieve together as a family, allowing space for the individual expression of grief.</li> <li>Celebrate together, choosing important days and rituals of remembrance.</li> <li>Talk with each other about anything and everything.</li> <li>Be together. It’s easy for parents or kids to isolate from each other. Try to find things to do together.</li> <li>Seek out support.</li> </ol> For additional suggestions, check out our <a href="http://www.dougy.org/docs/TDC_Sibling_Grief_Tip_Sheet_10_14.pdf" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Tip Sheet about siblings</a>.

Ep. 18: Grieving The Death Of A Sibling - Tips For Supporting Children

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