Some monks living on a hill are being terrorised by some giant furry things that may or may not be yeti.  A mad explorer tries to get them to eat the Doctor (the yeti, not the monks) but they’re not interested because they’ve been trained by someone invisible who sounds like a pervert.  The Doctor realises that the yeti’s one weakness is their balls.A sure fire way to incapacitate the male of any species;  No wonder they feel abominable.

Some monks living on a hill are being terrorised by some giant furry things that may or may not be yeti. A mad explorer tries to get them to eat the Doctor (the yeti, not the monks) but they’re not interested because they’ve been trained by someone invisible who sounds like a pervert. The Doctor realises that the yeti’s one weakness is their balls. A sure fire way to incapacitate the male of any species; No wonder they feel abominable.

R37 Doctor Who (The Abominable Snowmen)

The Doctor does his best Lara Croft impersonation when some maths teachers try to take over what looks like an intergalactic ice cream factory.But it all comes down to the wires when the factory boss has a quarrel with the Hulk’s thinner, less chatty cousin and is ultimately defeated by a closed door (this happens a lot so clearly they’re more used to open-plan architecture).The guy in charge of the budget must have been so relieved when he saw designs for this story’s spaceship.  And who decided to name one of the villains after an item of clothing?  Still, could’ve been worse, she could have been called Duffle Coat……or Thong.Lucky escape.

The Doctor does his best Lara Croft impersonation when some maths teachers try to take over what looks like an intergalactic ice cream factory. But it all comes down to the wires when the factory boss has a quarrel with the Hulk’s thinner, less chatty cousin and is ultimately defeated by a closed door (this happens a lot so clearly they’re more used to open-plan architecture). The guy in charge of the budget must have been so relieved when he saw designs for this story’s spaceship. And who decided to name one of the villains after an item of clothing? Still, could’ve been worse, she could have been called Duffle Coat……or Thong. Lucky escape.

R36 Doctor Who (The Tomb of the Cybermen)

The village is the worst place in the world.It has the worst fair election campaign, the worst party guest, the worst personal assistant, the worst inspiring speeches, the worst town council meeting, the worst internal security system, the worst attempt to pretend you’re not surreptitiously keeping an eye on someone when you quite clearly are, the worst secret drinking establishment and the worst person to have a drink in the worst secret drinking establishment.Doesn’t matter if it’s water, tea or genuine fake alcohol, one drop of anything and this top level spy keels over;  it’s a good thing he doesn’t try the milkAnd don’t get me started on the numbering system.

The village is the worst place in the world. It has the worst fair election campaign, the worst party guest, the worst personal assistant, the worst inspiring speeches, the worst town council meeting, the worst internal security system, the worst attempt to pretend you’re not surreptitiously keeping an eye on someone when you quite clearly are, the worst secret drinking establishment and the worst person to have a drink in the worst secret drinking establishment. Doesn’t matter if it’s water, tea or genuine fake alcohol, one drop of anything and this top level spy keels over; it’s a good thing he doesn’t try the milk And don’t get me started on the numbering system.

152 The Prisoner (A-B-C - Free For All)

Somebody’s half-inched the TARDIS!!A tramp makes a train set out of pepperpots, the daleks are experimenting with a new diet plan for Human beings and a man in a skirt is in for a spot of male bonding with a giant Turk.  All this and there’s also a big nobbly thing with a megaphone and the most fearsome beard in history doing something dastardly with mirrors.  And yet despite it all, the Doctor and Jamie go for a date at a café and pose for photographs.  Like they’re not even bothered. And who the Hell is Left-Handed Kenneth?

Somebody’s half-inched the TARDIS!! A tramp makes a train set out of pepperpots, the daleks are experimenting with a new diet plan for Human beings and a man in a skirt is in for a spot of male bonding with a giant Turk. All this and there’s also a big nobbly thing with a megaphone and the most fearsome beard in history doing something dastardly with mirrors. And yet despite it all, the Doctor and Jamie go for a date at a café and pose for photographs. Like they’re not even bothered. And who the Hell is Left-Handed Kenneth?

R35 Doctor Who (The Evil of the Daleks)

A man resigns from a job he doesn’t want, packs for a holiday and has a good old sleep on the way there.  Staying in a well-furnished holiday cottage with a full maid service, during the days he goes for a ride on a helicopter, watches a local concert, wins a talent contest, plays with a beach ball down by the sea and goes for a boat ride with a rather nice woman he appears to be having a holiday romance with. All in all it’s a show about a bloke having a nice time.  Bit dull really.

A man resigns from a job he doesn’t want, packs for a holiday and has a good old sleep on the way there. Staying in a well-furnished holiday cottage with a full maid service, during the days he goes for a ride on a helicopter, watches a local concert, wins a talent contest, plays with a beach ball down by the sea and goes for a boat ride with a rather nice woman he appears to be having a holiday romance with. All in all it’s a show about a bloke having a nice time. Bit dull really.

151 The Prisoner (Arrival - The Chimes of Big Ben)

The Doctor with a thousand _s s overwhelming odds when he _s-off against the _less ones who put on a brave _, even though they have to  the truth that they won’t be able to save _.  So the two-d time lord goes _ to  against a man without a _ (which is quite tricky to do) but he doesn’t realise that his companions have d their fears one too many times and now have to _ the fact that they can’t  it any longer and must get out of his ____. So while everyone runs about trying not to fall flat on their s, the Doctor tries giving the _less ones a blank look.  But they’ve already got one.

The Doctor with a thousand _s s overwhelming odds when he _s-off against the _less ones who put on a brave _, even though they have to the truth that they won’t be able to save _. So the two-d time lord goes _ to against a man without a _ (which is quite tricky to do) but he doesn’t realise that his companions have d their fears one too many times and now have to _ the fact that they can’t it any longer and must get out of his ____. So while everyone runs about trying not to fall flat on their s, the Doctor tries giving the _less ones a blank look. But they’ve already got one.

R34 Doctor Who (The Faceless Ones)

After a French chauffeur lets one off in the Gizmos head office, it’s no longer fit for human habitation so they all have to find other work.Roz tries her hand at marathon running, plumbing and truck driving and, as expected, at least two people snuff it.Ed tries babysitting but the pre-teens all sneer at his lack of computer skills so he puts on a bathrobe and takes a job slapping inner city gym instructors for a paying audience.Beckett goes back to his roots and starts investigating strange goings on. What was so bad about a man that literally no-one notices when he’s blown up in-front of his colleagues?  Why have two criminal brothers bought up all the paint and dye in London so that the whole city can only dress or build things in red and blue? and why is the mother of a kidnapped child only concerned that she’s not eating enough greens?He has to cut his investigations short though because someone gave Son of Kong a bazooka and some dinosaur biscuits and the sugar rush has made him go out in to the car park to blow up trees.  There’s only one solution for that…..Glue!

After a French chauffeur lets one off in the Gizmos head office, it’s no longer fit for human habitation so they all have to find other work. Roz tries her hand at marathon running, plumbing and truck driving and, as expected, at least two people snuff it. Ed tries babysitting but the pre-teens all sneer at his lack of computer skills so he puts on a bathrobe and takes a job slapping inner city gym instructors for a paying audience. Beckett goes back to his roots and starts investigating strange goings on. What was so bad about a man that literally no-one notices when he’s blown up in-front of his colleagues? Why have two criminal brothers bought up all the paint and dye in London so that the whole city can only dress or build things in red and blue? and why is the mother of a kidnapped child only concerned that she’s not eating enough greens? He has to cut his investigations short though because someone gave Son of Kong a bazooka and some dinosaur biscuits and the sugar rush has made him go out in to the car park to blow up trees. There’s only one solution for that…..Glue!

150 BUGS (A Sporting Chance - Pulse)

The listeners must relax and believe.Everything in the TimeVault is considered and correct.You must accept it without question.You must obey orders.The presenters of the TimeVault know what is best.In 54 minutes, when you stop listening, you will be given an opinion.You will be glad to agree.You will question nothing in the TimeVaultThere is no such thing as other podcasts!There are no other podcasts!!Other podcasts do not exist!!!THERE ARE NO OTHER PODCASTS!!!!!!!

The listeners must relax and believe. Everything in the TimeVault is considered and correct. You must accept it without question. You must obey orders. The presenters of the TimeVault know what is best. In 54 minutes, when you stop listening, you will be given an opinion. You will be glad to agree. You will question nothing in the TimeVault There is no such thing as other podcasts! There are no other podcasts!! Other podcasts do not exist!!! THERE ARE NO OTHER PODCASTS!!!!!!!

R33 Doctor Who (The Macra Terror)

During our forced isolation we've been watching a lot of Film and TV.  Survivors, Outbreak, Contagion, Masque of Mandragora, Masque of the Red Death, Mask of Zorro, The Masked Singer, The Mask, Son of the Mask, Mask, M.A.S.K., The Man in the Iron Mask, The Man in the Iron Mask, The Man in the Iron Mask and err...oh yes, The Man in the Iron MaskBut we couldn't face any more so we're back, whether you like it or not.  Get used to it!

During our forced isolation we've been watching a lot of Film and TV. Survivors, Outbreak, Contagion, Masque of Mandragora, Masque of the Red Death, Mask of Zorro, The Masked Singer, The Mask, Son of the Mask, Mask, M.A.S.K., The Man in the Iron Mask, The Man in the Iron Mask, The Man in the Iron Mask and err...oh yes, The Man in the Iron Mask But we couldn't face any more so we're back, whether you like it or not. Get used to it!

149 TimeVault Returns

Ros has found her new calling…Road Rage Influencer; when she’s not goading violent henchman types into ramming elderly drivers in dark tunnels, she’s flying helicopters over  public roads while shooting at vehicles transporting highly unstable explosive materials.  It all comes back to haunt her though when she has a reaction to a bad salad.Ed meanwhile is in the most understaffed scientific research facility in the world, having to spend the whole weekend showing the worst security man ever how to wind a really big watch.  He’s so keen to leave he willingly lets himself get captured by some dodgy types, tied to a chair surrounded by lasers and exploding liquid while he waits for a nasty phone call….Oblivious to all of this, Beckett’s feeling pumped about finding a secluded spot to get crazy with a cute lab technician, unaware that she won’t do anything for less than ten million!It looks like he’ll have to cancel Gerhardt the Magician.

Ros has found her new calling…Road Rage Influencer; when she’s not goading violent henchman types into ramming elderly drivers in dark tunnels, she’s flying helicopters over public roads while shooting at vehicles transporting highly unstable explosive materials. It all comes back to haunt her though when she has a reaction to a bad salad. Ed meanwhile is in the most understaffed scientific research facility in the world, having to spend the whole weekend showing the worst security man ever how to wind a really big watch. He’s so keen to leave he willingly lets himself get captured by some dodgy types, tied to a chair surrounded by lasers and exploding liquid while he waits for a nasty phone call…. Oblivious to all of this, Beckett’s feeling pumped about finding a secluded spot to get crazy with a cute lab technician, unaware that she won’t do anything for less than ten million! It looks like he’ll have to cancel Gerhardt the Magician.

148 BUGS (Manna from Heaven - Hot Metal)

Do you remember growing up with those old Doctor Who monsters on your local PBS station?  If you like classic British sci-fi shows, especially classic Doctor Who (and a bit of the new), Blakes 7, Red Dwarf, and even things like Starcops and Hammer classic, you should give this podcast a listen. And check out their blog.

Vintage, cult classic British - Doctor Who, Blakes 7, Red Dwarf

I am a big fan of British genre TV &amp; movies, and the Greaves brothers do a phenomenal job of not only summarizing them and analyzing them, they have the kind of chemistry only two loving brothers have, and that makes the shows all the more entertaining.  And this is probably the most re-listenable of all the podcasts I follow:  every time I catch an old episode of DOCTOR WHO I will go back and find the show they did on it and gladly listen again.

Must listen

theTimeVault

Not to be confused with Legopolis, which uses a different type of block transfer computation (although it does explain Adric’s hair)An air hostess has a disastrous first day when she gets on the wrong flight, shouts at the cabin crew and can’t find the emergency exit - although to be fair it’s a devil to get to.A precocious math’s nerd can’t decide whether to spend the day measuring an infinite number of boxes or take part in the most boring planet-wide game of Battleships ever attempted.A Pixie Princess from Planet Peace, like any teenager, has mood swings.  Give her some gaudy bit of tat and tell her you’re her dead dad, she’ll kill her mates quick as you like.An evil ringmaster goes to a lot of effort so that he can make a prank call to every answer machine in the universe…at the same time.And the Doctor’s trying to drown himself, shrink himself, get arrested…basically  anything to avoid having to go on the roof and fix the tv ariel so that the creepy dude in white with no mouth can stop staring at him and watch something else instead.It’s distracting, he needs to be careful.  The last thing he wants to do is fall o….oh.

Not to be confused with Legopolis, which uses a different type of block transfer computation (although it does explain Adric’s hair) An air hostess has a disastrous first day when she gets on the wrong flight, shouts at the cabin crew and can’t find the emergency exit - although to be fair it’s a devil to get to. A precocious math’s nerd can’t decide whether to spend the day measuring an infinite number of boxes or take part in the most boring planet-wide game of Battleships ever attempted. A Pixie Princess from Planet Peace, like any teenager, has mood swings. Give her some gaudy bit of tat and tell her you’re her dead dad, she’ll kill her mates quick as you like. An evil ringmaster goes to a lot of effort so that he can make a prank call to every answer machine in the universe…at the same time. And the Doctor’s trying to drown himself, shrink himself, get arrested…basically anything to avoid having to go on the roof and fix the tv ariel so that the creepy dude in white with no mouth can stop staring at him and watch something else instead. It’s distracting, he needs to be careful. The last thing he wants to do is fall o….oh.

142 Doctor Who (Logopolis)

What happens when a man who likes to climb tall buildings meets a man who likes to jump out of windows and they get into a car with a woman who knows how to use a fax machine?You get a team of remorseless killers who like to spy on businesswomen’s muesli, steal strangers’ family photos, wear hideous yellow ties and pretend to be nice to old people before doing several different government agencies jobs for them without getting paid.  Bunch of amateurs.

What happens when a man who likes to climb tall buildings meets a man who likes to jump out of windows and they get into a car with a woman who knows how to use a fax machine? You get a team of remorseless killers who like to spy on businesswomen’s muesli, steal strangers’ family photos, wear hideous yellow ties and pretend to be nice to old people before doing several different government agencies jobs for them without getting paid. Bunch of amateurs.

141 Bugs (Out of the Hive - Assassins Inc.)

A haunting documentary about Sir Mick Jagger’s eight children (by five women), five grand-children and one great grand-child…. They thought he was a drug-addled rock star, what they didn’t know was that in 1555, Nostradamus predicted he would raise an army, an army that would take over the world!The prediction goes:  On December 31st, 2020.  A Rolling Stones concert will take place, and the last note of the last song will transmit a signal, activating the entire Jagger clan; Having been strategically placed around the world, as one they will rise up, pout, clap their hands and walk like a chicken in such a way that no one will be able to resist their power.  As each person they meet falls under their spell and becomes like them the World’s population will be turned into Jagger clones.  They will build an army of spaceships and travel the universe singing Ruby Tuesday and turning any race they meet into other Jagger clones.  A select few will be allowed to become David Bowies, Peter Toshs and The Jacksons, (for authentic cloned collaboration purposes) and all will be forced to watch Ned Kelly and Freejack.  Forever.All Hail The Mighty Jagger!Or we could just be taking the mick.

A haunting documentary about Sir Mick Jagger’s eight children (by five women), five grand-children and one great grand-child…. They thought he was a drug-addled rock star, what they didn’t know was that in 1555, Nostradamus predicted he would raise an army, an army that would take over the world! The prediction goes: On December 31st, 2020. A Rolling Stones concert will take place, and the last note of the last song will transmit a signal, activating the entire Jagger clan; Having been strategically placed around the world, as one they will rise up, pout, clap their hands and walk like a chicken in such a way that no one will be able to resist their power. As each person they meet falls under their spell and becomes like them the World’s population will be turned into Jagger clones. They will build an army of spaceships and travel the universe singing Ruby Tuesday and turning any race they meet into other Jagger clones. A select few will be allowed to become David Bowies, Peter Toshs and The Jacksons, (for authentic cloned collaboration purposes) and all will be forced to watch Ned Kelly and Freejack. Forever. All Hail The Mighty Jagger! Or we could just be taking the mick.

139 Children of the Stones

It’s not easy trying to create a religion based on geometrical objects, you know.The Hexagon got lost in the post, the Octagon was eaten by the cat, the Nonagon never even happened and the Pentagon’s already been copyrighted.  The Tetrahedron got wedged in the lift, the Cube was sent back because it was boring, there’s a Gaztak mercenary swinging on the Trapezoid and the Dodecahedron just shrank.  The only one left is the Icosahedron.But that would just be silly.The Tigellans might be able to sort it out but they’re stuck in a power triangle, Romana’s walking in circles and K-9’s just in general bad shape.Speaking of bad shape, the Doctor’s not very well.  He’s looking a bit green, he’s coming out in a rash, he’s recovering from Chronic Hysteresis, someone keeps trying to steal his coat….oh, and i think he may have just sat on a cactus.  Ouch.

It’s not easy trying to create a religion based on geometrical objects, you know. The Hexagon got lost in the post, the Octagon was eaten by the cat, the Nonagon never even happened and the Pentagon’s already been copyrighted. The Tetrahedron got wedged in the lift, the Cube was sent back because it was boring, there’s a Gaztak mercenary swinging on the Trapezoid and the Dodecahedron just shrank. The only one left is the Icosahedron. But that would just be silly. The Tigellans might be able to sort it out but they’re stuck in a power triangle, Romana’s walking in circles and K-9’s just in general bad shape. Speaking of bad shape, the Doctor’s not very well. He’s looking a bit green, he’s coming out in a rash, he’s recovering from Chronic Hysteresis, someone keeps trying to steal his coat….oh, and i think he may have just sat on a cactus. Ouch.

134 Doctor Who (Meglos)

Leave your homework for a moment kid, there’s a giggling giant strolling through the house kicking down all the doors and a miserable git dumping all the food in your freezer.  There’s a policeman knocking on the door, a couple of old soldiers running up and down the stairs, a hurricane in the kitchen and a fashion-conscious flirt burning all your stuff.  I’d go and get your parents if I were you, they’re in the cellar playing with your mum’s new turntable.  It’s really put a smile on her face.….second thoughts, DON’T get your parents.  Sort it out yourself.  But before you do can you please STOP THOSE BLOODY CLOCKS.  It’s getting so a malevolent, extra-dimensional force can’t hear itself think.

Leave your homework for a moment kid, there’s a giggling giant strolling through the house kicking down all the doors and a miserable git dumping all the food in your freezer. There’s a policeman knocking on the door, a couple of old soldiers running up and down the stairs, a hurricane in the kitchen and a fashion-conscious flirt burning all your stuff. I’d go and get your parents if I were you, they’re in the cellar playing with your mum’s new turntable. It’s really put a smile on her face. ….second thoughts, DON’T get your parents. Sort it out yourself. But before you do can you please STOP THOSE BLOODY CLOCKS. It’s getting so a malevolent, extra-dimensional force can’t hear itself think.

133 Sapphire and Steel (Assignment 1)

During his gap year, a fashion student goes on a minor tour of the Greek islands only to get stranded on one.  He gives the local mayor a sob story about his past and gets his own house if he promises to help them renovate the island.  Instead, he digs a couple of holes in the back garden, invites a load of his mates round and orders a curry (Greek food gives him a sore throat).  The locals can’t seem to get rid of them and the takeaway delivery boys keep getting lost in the maze of narrow streets.  But then a show-jumper and a clown turn up with a pet dog that likes biting people in the bulls and things just go from bad to worse.

131 Doctor Who (The Horns of Nimon)

The Scorpio family’s house burns down so they decide to go and stay with Granddad.  But, as with all long journeys, they argue with each other so much that Mum and Dad get out and walk, taking little Vila and Dayna with them.  As he’s only just passed his test, moody teen Tarrant keeps going, bumps into several other vehicles and ends up in a ditch.Trying to hitch a lift he meets a dirty looking old tramp with funny clothes and a permanent wink who offers him a bag of sweets if he’ll get in the car.  So off they go.Ending up at a motorway services in the arse end of nowhere, Tarrant realises he’s been kidnapped, by his Granddad so he kicks the old guy in the nuts and runs away….straight in to the arms of his family who’ve just arrived in a car they er, borrowed from a couple of murderous hillbilly types they met living in a shed deep in the woods.Dad and Granddad have a stand-up argument about the gobby young woman he’s shacked up with who’s only after him for everything.  The argument turns nasty and before you know it Grandad’s lying in a pool of his own blood and his girlfriend’s very large family (who just happen to own the services station) give the Scorpio family a right good kicking.That’s the last time they’ll get together for a family reunion.

The Scorpio family’s house burns down so they decide to go and stay with Granddad. But, as with all long journeys, they argue with each other so much that Mum and Dad get out and walk, taking little Vila and Dayna with them. As he’s only just passed his test, moody teen Tarrant keeps going, bumps into several other vehicles and ends up in a ditch. Trying to hitch a lift he meets a dirty looking old tramp with funny clothes and a permanent wink who offers him a bag of sweets if he’ll get in the car. So off they go. Ending up at a motorway services in the arse end of nowhere, Tarrant realises he’s been kidnapped, by his Granddad so he kicks the old guy in the nuts and runs away….straight in to the arms of his family who’ve just arrived in a car they er, borrowed from a couple of murderous hillbilly types they met living in a shed deep in the woods. Dad and Granddad have a stand-up argument about the gobby young woman he’s shacked up with who’s only after him for everything. The argument turns nasty and before you know it Grandad’s lying in a pool of his own blood and his girlfriend’s very large family (who just happen to own the services station) give the Scorpio family a right good kicking. That’s the last time they’ll get together for a family reunion.

130 Blake's 7 (Blake)

A group of S and M fanatics (wearing gimp masks made from their mum’s tights) get lost on a skiing trip to the South Pole.  they stumble onto a secret military outpost at the same time as the Doctor, Ben and Polly.  When a new planet appears in the sky everyone goes a bit mental.The Doctor’s having none of it, though.  He’s far too old for that sort of thing so he takes action….and has a nap, leaving it up to a sailor and a duchess to do something clever with magnets and a luminous stick before the mad general nukes the universe and the kinky gimps enslave the human race (actually, The Kinky Gimps sounds like a 1970’s prog rock group).After all that, the Doctor decides that he looks far too old and has a very bad reaction to a botox overdose.

A group of S and M fanatics (wearing gimp masks made from their mum’s tights) get lost on a skiing trip to the South Pole. they stumble onto a secret military outpost at the same time as the Doctor, Ben and Polly. When a new planet appears in the sky everyone goes a bit mental. The Doctor’s having none of it, though. He’s far too old for that sort of thing so he takes action….and has a nap, leaving it up to a sailor and a duchess to do something clever with magnets and a luminous stick before the mad general nukes the universe and the kinky gimps enslave the human race (actually, The Kinky Gimps sounds like a 1970’s prog rock group). After all that, the Doctor decides that he looks far too old and has a very bad reaction to a botox overdose.

R28 Doctor Who (The Tenth Planet)

The Doctor and Romana travel to a French cafe where they drink a lot of Duggan Punch.  It causes them to get a bit hyper and run around the streets of Paris playing chicken with the traffic, which is ironic because they find themselves locked in a cellar surrounded by a rare breed of reversible chickens which appear to have painted several copies of the same famous painting.  It’s no good asking the Russian chicken breeder who lives in the cellar about it because he’ll die of old age before he understands his own work but perhaps the Italian Countess upstairs can shed light on what happened.  Unfortunately she’s experiencing the after-effects of a bad italian.  Fortunately, Leonardo DaVinci’s notebook has the perfect remedy for their condition; simply mix the Duggan Punch with a rotten Spaghetti Bolognese to create a Primordial Soup and you’re cured.Blimey, who said Paris was a relaxing place?Still, you have to smile.  Or maybe you don’t….can’t quite decide.

The Doctor and Romana travel to a French cafe where they drink a lot of Duggan Punch. It causes them to get a bit hyper and run around the streets of Paris playing chicken with the traffic, which is ironic because they find themselves locked in a cellar surrounded by a rare breed of reversible chickens which appear to have painted several copies of the same famous painting. It’s no good asking the Russian chicken breeder who lives in the cellar about it because he’ll die of old age before he understands his own work but perhaps the Italian Countess upstairs can shed light on what happened. Unfortunately she’s experiencing the after-effects of a bad italian. Fortunately, Leonardo DaVinci’s notebook has the perfect remedy for their condition; simply mix the Duggan Punch with a rotten Spaghetti Bolognese to create a Primordial Soup and you’re cured. Blimey, who said Paris was a relaxing place? Still, you have to smile. Or maybe you don’t….can’t quite decide.

121 Doctor Who (City of Death)

Avon’s got a problem. His big end’s gone.  But not to worry, he knows where the nearest Honda garage is.  Unfortunately, it’s just been swallowed up  by a much larger federation, and their director (who’s a real cutie, by the way), is discontinuing the Honda Rebel.  Avon has no choice but to look elsewhere.  His only other option is to steal a new engine from a load of joyriding battle clowns who like to blow up federation ships by waving their choppers around.  Awkwaaaard.Still he manages to steal a ruddy great space engine out from under their implausibly painted noses and does a runner in a ship that’s now so fast it’s invisible.  He WILL still stop to pick up hitchhiker’s….just don’t expect him to remember their names.

Avon’s got a problem. His big end’s gone. But not to worry, he knows where the nearest Honda garage is. Unfortunately, it’s just been swallowed up by a much larger federation, and their director (who’s a real cutie, by the way), is discontinuing the Honda Rebel. Avon has no choice but to look elsewhere. His only other option is to steal a new engine from a load of joyriding battle clowns who like to blow up federation ships by waving their choppers around. Awkwaaaard. Still he manages to steal a ruddy great space engine out from under their implausibly painted noses and does a runner in a ship that’s now so fast it’s invisible. He WILL still stop to pick up hitchhiker’s….just don’t expect him to remember their names.

119 Blake's 7 (Traitor - Stardrive)

Anybody need a hand?A snooty pianist is rather attached to both of his but his father’s murderer is looking to add them to her collection because she’s mistaken them for a different but identical pair of hands that belong to the same man who’s taken her three children to live in a cave on the moon where he plans to melt them and put it on youtube.  David doesn’t want Nathan and his Pal to make everything alright because he’s broken one and a couple of spares floating around might come in… wait for it… handy.Oh yes, and Catweazle travels further into the future, where he comes up against exploding card tables, an Australian in a cupboard, a sexually active Colin Devis and the Tarantino version of Bob The Builder.  Riveting stuff.

Anybody need a hand? A snooty pianist is rather attached to both of his but his father’s murderer is looking to add them to her collection because she’s mistaken them for a different but identical pair of hands that belong to the same man who’s taken her three children to live in a cave on the moon where he plans to melt them and put it on youtube. David doesn’t want Nathan and his Pal to make everything alright because he’s broken one and a couple of spares floating around might come in… wait for it… handy. Oh yes, and Catweazle travels further into the future, where he comes up against exploding card tables, an Australian in a cupboard, a sexually active Colin Devis and the Tarantino version of Bob The Builder. Riveting stuff.

116 Star Cops (A Double Life - Other People's Secrets)

Are you ill?  Do you suffer from common diseases, like influenza, diphtheria and death?  If the answer to that question is yes, then this new miracle cure from Jekyll Pharmaceutikills is for you.Made from hormones and..erm..stuff, this green wonder liquid can cure all ailments!  Simply take the daily recommended dose (several regular bottle-fulls whenever you feel like it) and before you can say ‘it wasn’t me, guv’, you’ll feel like a new man.  Or woman.  Or both.Warning - this product WILL cause loss of appetite, hairy knuckles, genital disappearance, bi-sexual, schizophrenic trans-gender killing sprees and an aversion to opera.

Are you ill? Do you suffer from common diseases, like influenza, diphtheria and death? If the answer to that question is yes, then this new miracle cure from Jekyll Pharmaceutikills is for you. Made from hormones and..erm..stuff, this green wonder liquid can cure all ailments! Simply take the daily recommended dose (several regular bottle-fulls whenever you feel like it) and before you can say ‘it wasn’t me, guv’, you’ll feel like a new man. Or woman. Or both. Warning - this product WILL cause loss of appetite, hairy knuckles, genital disappearance, bi-sexual, schizophrenic trans-gender killing sprees and an aversion to opera.

101 Hammer (Dr Jekyll And Sister Hyde)

Dracula’s an idiot.We all know that he’s desperate for some eternal rumpy pumpy (let’s be honest, who isn’t?) and yes, he’s been resourceful enough to have found a mail order company that delivers brides by the crate-load, but that’s where his smarts end.He lives in a remote country house surrounded by a fence made of wooden stakes!His garden is full of vampire-lethal hawthorn bushes!His house is protected by a CCTV system that can’t see him!He has a sprinkler system, which is the same as deadly running water (and doesn’t stop his house from burning down anyway)!I wouldn’t be surprised if his car’s got a sun-roof.We never find out exactly what his company does but I’m willing to bet it makes pencils….or garlic bread.

Dracula’s an idiot. We all know that he’s desperate for some eternal rumpy pumpy (let’s be honest, who isn’t?) and yes, he’s been resourceful enough to have found a mail order company that delivers brides by the crate-load, but that’s where his smarts end. He lives in a remote country house surrounded by a fence made of wooden stakes! His garden is full of vampire-lethal hawthorn bushes! His house is protected by a CCTV system that can’t see him! He has a sprinkler system, which is the same as deadly running water (and doesn’t stop his house from burning down anyway)! I wouldn’t be surprised if his car’s got a sun-roof. We never find out exactly what his company does but I’m willing to bet it makes pencils….or garlic bread.

095 Hammer (The Satanic Rites Of Dracula)

Cheating landlords, sweaty barmaids, melting tramps, hysterical sluts, twitchy sex pests, burning dogs, an army of alien jelly disintegrating fields full of sheep….It’s amazing what I can see out of my upstairs window.Anyway, it’s now time for Night Of The Big Heat.  I wonder what happens in it.

Cheating landlords, sweaty barmaids, melting tramps, hysterical sluts, twitchy sex pests, burning dogs, an army of alien jelly disintegrating fields full of sheep….It’s amazing what I can see out of my upstairs window. Anyway, it’s now time for Night Of The Big Heat. I wonder what happens in it.

093 Night Of The Big Heat

Staff at the remote St Grumpy’s Hospital in the sleepy little village of Nowhere-on-the-wold don’t know what’s hit them when a friendly, co-operative, patient who’s ‘not from round here’ turns up having swallowed a plate, lost his belt and been chased into traffic by a couple of very persistant women.When the phones stop working and the thermostat accidentally gets stuck on ‘TOAST’ things get even worse; the nurse becomes a walking fire hazard, the switchboard operator goes mental and Dr Vernon’s plans for a quiet night go all to waste, literally.There’s also a killer cat, a dirty book, a man in a truck, a surprise game of Doc Major Scissors and the strangest feeling that you’ve seen some of this before…

Staff at the remote St Grumpy’s Hospital in the sleepy little village of Nowhere-on-the-wold don’t know what’s hit them when a friendly, co-operative, patient who’s ‘not from round here’ turns up having swallowed a plate, lost his belt and been chased into traffic by a couple of very persistant women. When the phones stop working and the thermostat accidentally gets stuck on ‘TOAST’ things get even worse; the nurse becomes a walking fire hazard, the switchboard operator goes mental and Dr Vernon’s plans for a quiet night go all to waste, literally. There’s also a killer cat, a dirty book, a man in a truck, a surprise game of Doc Major Scissors and the strangest feeling that you’ve seen some of this before…

086 Invasion

Dear 500 Year Old DiaryIt’s been an odd sort of day.For no apparent reason, I suddenly sprouted lots of extra invisible heads. I took them to the nearest jungle planet where they could roam free in the wild, unfortunately they started to eat everyone in a team-building survival course.  The only woman in the group - who got lost on her way to a Xena: Warrior Princess lookee-likee competition - got all up in my face, calling me evil.  The cheek of it!I tried to get on their good side with some jelly babies but it turned out that a man with a glove on his head had no sense of fun and convinced the others that they must attack God (who looks like me and lives in my throat) and The Evil One (who also looks like me and lives in my throat).  I had to follow them of course and, would you believe it, I found three weirdo’s in a lift down there.  I managed to cough them all up eventually and left the planet as soon as possible.  I’m all out of lozenges as well.  I’ll look for some on that planet with all the robots.Robots are never any trouble. . .

Dear 500 Year Old Diary It’s been an odd sort of day. For no apparent reason, I suddenly sprouted lots of extra invisible heads. I took them to the nearest jungle planet where they could roam free in the wild, unfortunately they started to eat everyone in a team-building survival course. The only woman in the group - who got lost on her way to a Xena: Warrior Princess lookee-likee competition - got all up in my face, calling me evil. The cheek of it! I tried to get on their good side with some jelly babies but it turned out that a man with a glove on his head had no sense of fun and convinced the others that they must attack God (who looks like me and lives in my throat) and The Evil One (who also looks like me and lives in my throat). I had to follow them of course and, would you believe it, I found three weirdo’s in a lift down there. I managed to cough them all up eventually and left the planet as soon as possible. I’m all out of lozenges as well. I’ll look for some on that planet with all the robots. Robots are never any trouble. . .

082 Doctor Who (The Face Of Evil)

Originally called The Mummy Snored, this is Hammer’s only attempt at a horror-comedy-whodunnit.A narcoleptic accountant, recovering in bandages after getting caught in a fight while on holiday in Egypt, wakes up to find out that the souvenir tea-towel he’d bought for his mummy has been stolen.  He decides to track down the burglars and get back his tea-towel only to find that it keeps ending up in the hands of different tourists!Hilarity ensues on the streets of Cairo as he chases (among others) a bumbling photographer,  a linguist who can’t read and a Human version of Penfold, only for each one of them to be killed in a run of increasingly hilarious accidents each time his narcolepsy kicks in.As the police begin to close in, no one has realised that the local religious fanatic and his mad old baggage of a mum are also after the tea-towel as it has a secret code written on it that can raise the dead!Can our accountant put 2 and 2 together, find his, rather pathetic, souvenir, stop the tourists from dying and thwart the zombie-raising locals before he’s arrested?  Or will he just sleep through the whole thing?

Originally called The Mummy Snored, this is Hammer’s only attempt at a horror-comedy-whodunnit. A narcoleptic accountant, recovering in bandages after getting caught in a fight while on holiday in Egypt, wakes up to find out that the souvenir tea-towel he’d bought for his mummy has been stolen.  He decides to track down the burglars and get back his tea-towel only to find that it keeps ending up in the hands of different tourists! Hilarity ensues on the streets of Cairo as he chases (among others) a bumbling photographer,  a linguist who can’t read and a Human version of Penfold, only for each one of them to be killed in a run of increasingly hilarious accidents each time his narcolepsy kicks in. As the police begin to close in, no one has realised that the local religious fanatic and his mad old baggage of a mum are also after the tea-towel as it has a secret code written on it that can raise the dead! Can our accountant put 2 and 2 together, find his, rather pathetic, souvenir, stop the tourists from dying and thwart the zombie-raising locals before he’s arrested?  Or will he just sleep through the whole thing?

080 Hammer (The Mummy’s Shroud)

When you live in a castle on an island with a lot of ex-seventies male pornstars who can't afford car doors for company, a sudden desire to alleviate the boredom by getting a pet turtle doesn't seem that odd.The fact that all the staff at the local turtle farm wear fishnets and NOTHING else is quite odd (and a bit kinky) and when the mean posh boy from your school days turns up to take all the turtles so that you can't have any, that's very odd.Still there's only one thing you can do in this situation…challenge him to a swordfight, beat him in a speedboat race, handcuff him to a chair, make a machine that goes BLEEP, impersonate a naval officer, steal a hovercraft and watch the Clangers.So you didn't get a turtle because some faulty wiring burned down the farm, but at least you got out of the house for a change.

When you live in a castle on an island with a lot of ex-seventies male pornstars who can't afford car doors for company, a sudden desire to alleviate the boredom by getting a pet turtle doesn't seem that odd. The fact that all the staff at the local turtle farm wear fishnets and NOTHING else is quite odd (and a bit kinky) and when the mean posh boy from your school days turns up to take all the turtles so that you can't have any, that's very odd. Still there's only one thing you can do in this situation…challenge him to a swordfight, beat him in a speedboat race, handcuff him to a chair, make a machine that goes BLEEP, impersonate a naval officer, steal a hovercraft and watch the Clangers. So you didn't get a turtle because some faulty wiring burned down the farm, but at least you got out of the house for a change.

044 Doctor Who (The Sea Devils)

A professional cat impressionist with an outdated sense of dress, a medically recognised allergy to sunlight and a desperate need for some dental work is unfairly victimised by a bunch of squatters who've quite clearly mistaken his stately home for the Three Bears cottage (they sit in his chairs, eat his food and sleep in his beds).It's obviously not a fairytale though because after barging into the poor man's home and helping themselves to all his stuff, they creep into his bedroom to do who knows what and he's forced to defend himself.When Reservoir Priest turns up on the side of the squatters though, it just gets nasty.Victimisation by the church of lonely, disabled social outcasts and upper class English tourists behaving like common criminals… Honestly, what is the world coming to?

A professional cat impressionist with an outdated sense of dress, a medically recognised allergy to sunlight and a desperate need for some dental work is unfairly victimised by a bunch of squatters who've quite clearly mistaken his stately home for the Three Bears cottage (they sit in his chairs, eat his food and sleep in his beds). It's obviously not a fairytale though because after barging into the poor man's home and helping themselves to all his stuff, they creep into his bedroom to do who knows what and he's forced to defend himself. When Reservoir Priest turns up on the side of the squatters though, it just gets nasty. Victimisation by the church of lonely, disabled social outcasts and upper class English tourists behaving like common criminals… Honestly, what is the world coming to?

018 Hammer (Dracula - Prince of Darkness)

Lisssping lizardssss plan to spread their seed across the planet (eurgh!) and invade, but the Doctor gets them to agree to a dancing competition; the winner get's the Earth.His largely improvised routine is lots of running about and arm waving, which can't compete when the Martians get their best warrior to do 'the robot'.  The judges (a posh bird and two old blokes with saggy trousers who work for a flying carpet manufacturer) reluctantly give that round to the Ice Warriors.While Earth's security forces all go for a bubble bath, it looks like mankind is finished as the Glam Rock Marshal and his Disco Lizards plan a show-stopping number in the final round……Can the Doctor, Jamie and Zoe's last minute rain dance win them the trophy?

Lisssping lizardssss plan to spread their seed across the planet (eurgh!) and invade, but the Doctor gets them to agree to a dancing competition; the winner get's the Earth. His largely improvised routine is lots of running about and arm waving, which can't compete when the Martians get their best warrior to do 'the robot'. The judges (a posh bird and two old blokes with saggy trousers who work for a flying carpet manufacturer) reluctantly give that round to the Ice Warriors. While Earth's security forces all go for a bubble bath, it looks like mankind is finished as the Glam Rock Marshal and his Disco Lizards plan a show-stopping number in the final round…… Can the Doctor, Jamie and Zoe's last minute rain dance win them the trophy?

017 Doctor Who (The Seeds of Death)

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