This summer we're going back to basics and bringing you the oldies but goodies--our most popular and fundamental episodes. Don't stress about catching up on every past episode--if you need it, we're bringing it to you here.  Want to take this work further? I would love to coach you inside my coaching program, How to Glow. It's a no-commitment monthly program where you can get coached every week and be part of an amazing community of women. Ready to give it a try? Join today at kaylalevin.com/coaching 

This summer we're going back to basics and bringing you the oldies but goodies--our most popular and fundamental episodes. Don't stress about catching up on every past episode--if you need it, we're bringing it to you here. Want to take this work further? I would love to coach you inside my coaching program, How to Glow. It's a no-commitment monthly program where you can get coached every week and be part of an amazing community of women. Ready to give it a try? Join today at <a href="http://kaylalevin.com/coaching" rel="noopener noreferrer nofollow" target="_blank">kaylalevin.com/coaching</a>

Ep 199 - Your Husband Doesn’t Need to Tell You How He Feels (Replay)

This summer we're going back to basics and bringing you the oldies but goodies--our most popular and fundamental episodes. Don't stress about catching up on every past episode--if you need it, we're bringing it to you here. Want to take this work further? I would love to coach you inside my coaching program, How to Glow. It's a no-commitment monthly program where you can get coached every week and be part of an amazing community of women. Ready to give it a try? Join today at kaylalevin.com/coaching

This summer we're going back to basics and bringing you the oldies but goodies--our most popular and fundamental episodes. Don't stress about catching up on every past episode--if you need it, we're bringing it to you here. Want to take this work further? I would love to coach you inside my coaching program, How to Glow. It's a no-commitment monthly program where you can get coached every week and be part of an amazing community of women. Ready to give it a try? Join today at <a href="http://kaylalevin.com/coaching" rel="noopener noreferrer nofollow" target="_blank">kaylalevin.com/coaching</a>

Ep 198 - Your Mother-in-Law (Replay)

This summer we're going back to basics and bringing you the oldies but goodies--our most popular and fundamental episodes. Don't stress about catching up on every past episode--if you need it, we're bringing it to you here. Want to take this work further? I would love to coach you inside my coaching program, How to Glow. It's a no-commitment monthly program where you can get coached every week and be part of an amazing community of women. Ready to give it a try? Join today at ⁠kaylalevin.com/coaching

This summer we're going back to basics and bringing you the oldies but goodies--our most popular and fundamental episodes. Don't stress about catching up on every past episode--if you need it, we're bringing it to you here. Want to take this work further? I would love to coach you inside my coaching program, How to Glow. It's a no-commitment monthly program where you can get coached every week and be part of an amazing community of women. Ready to give it a try? Join today at <a href="http://kaylalevin.com/coaching" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">⁠kaylalevin.com/coaching</a>

Ep 197 - Why You Don't Have Enough Time - Summer Series Replay

This summer we're going back to basics and bringing you the oldies but goodies--our most popular and fundamental episodes. Don't stress about catching up on every past episode--if you need it, we're bringing it to you here. Want to take this work further? I would love to coach you inside my coaching program, How to Glow. It's a no-commitment monthly program where you can get coached every week and be part of an amazing community of women. Ready to give it a try? Join today at <a href="http://kaylalevin.com/coaching" rel="noopener noreferrer nofollow" target="_blank">kaylalevin.com/coaching</a>

Ep 196 - Your First Year Married - Summer Series Replay

This week I brought on my good friend Miriam Campbell for a fascinating discussion on how to connect to others when it's challenging. Sometimes we don't want to connect, or we are going through all the motions but we're not totally there. Listen to hear why this is all part of our process--a process we really do want to be engaged in. You can learn more about working with Miriam here: https://bookme.name/skillsforconnection

This week I brought on my good friend Miriam Campbell for a fascinating discussion on how to connect to others when it's challenging. Sometimes we don't want to connect, or we are going through all the motions but we're not totally there. Listen to hear why this is all part of our process--a process we really do want to be engaged in. You can learn more about working with Miriam here: <a href="https://bookme.name/skillsforconnection" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">https://bookme.name/skillsforconnection</a>

Ep 195 - When Connecting Is Hard with Miriam Campbell

Even if you have a great positive thought, if your nervous system has been hijacked and you're in fight or flight, that thought is just not going to stick. This week I'm introducing you to Nervous System 101. Our guest coach Ilana Kendal will be taking this much deeper inside of How to Glow in July!  Want to join us? You can sign up today at kaylalevin.com/coaching

Even if you have a great positive thought, if your nervous system has been hijacked and you're in fight or flight, that thought is just not going to stick. This week I'm introducing you to Nervous System 101. Our guest coach Ilana Kendal will be taking this much deeper inside of How to Glow in July! Want to join us? You can sign up today at <a href="http://kaylalevin.com/coaching" rel="noopener noreferrer nofollow" target="_blank">kaylalevin.com/coaching</a>

Ep 194 - How Breathing Makes You Better

When life is stressful, sometimes the last thing you think you can handle is supporting a struggling husband. Today I want to talk about some of the struggles I'm seeing a lot with the clients I work with and how fierce support can create a bedrock for your marriage you will be so grateful for in the decades to come. Want to take this work further? I would love to coach you in my coaching program, How to Glow. It's a no-commitment monthly program where you can get coached every week and be part of an amazing community of women. Ready to give it a try? Join today at kaylalevin.com/coaching

When life is stressful, sometimes the last thing you think you can handle is supporting a struggling husband. Today I want to talk about some of the struggles I'm seeing a lot with the clients I work with and how fierce support can create a bedrock for your marriage you will be so grateful for in the decades to come. Want to take this work further? I would love to coach you in my coaching program, How to Glow. It's a no-commitment monthly program where you can get coached every week and be part of an amazing community of women. Ready to give it a try? Join today at <a href="http://kaylalevin.com/coaching" rel="noopener noreferrer nofollow" target="_blank">kaylalevin.com/coaching</a>

Ep 193 - When Your Husband Needs Support

The Business Trip Phenomenon: when your husband goes away and suddenly you are SUPER functional and do so much better than when he was home--WHY is that? Why can't you manage when he's around? And then, instead of him coming home and seeing how great you're doing, you totally fall apart. Has this ever happened to you?  Listen this week to hear why this happens and what you can do to have a smoother reunion after his trips, and what you can keep from the magical wonder-woman energy from when he was away (and what you shouldn't expect to carry over into your day-to-day life.)  Want to take this work further? I would love to coach you inside my coaching program, How to Glow. It's a no-commitment monthly program where you can get coached every week and be part of an amazing community of women. Ready to give it a try? Join today at kaylalevin.com/coaching

The Business Trip Phenomenon: when your husband goes away and suddenly you are SUPER functional and do so much better than when he was home--WHY is that? Why can't you manage when he's around? And then, instead of him coming home and seeing how great you're doing, you totally fall apart. Has this ever happened to you? Listen this week to hear why this happens and what you can do to have a smoother reunion after his trips, and what you can keep from the magical wonder-woman energy from when he was away (and what you shouldn't expect to carry over into your day-to-day life.) Want to take this work further? I would love to coach you inside my coaching program, How to Glow. It's a no-commitment monthly program where you can get coached every week and be part of an amazing community of women. Ready to give it a try? Join today at <a href="http://kaylalevin.com/coaching" rel="noopener noreferrer nofollow" target="_blank">kaylalevin.com/coaching</a>

Ep 192 - When Your Husband Goes on a Business Trip

This week we're taking a deep dive into BOUNDARIES. What does it really mean to "have no boundaries" and what do we do with those people in our lives who make us crazy because they don't respect our boundaries? How do we set a boundary and, most importantly, what if our own boundaries need some work? Referenced in this episode: Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody

This week we're taking a deep dive into BOUNDARIES. What does it really mean to "have no boundaries" and what do we do with those people in our lives who make us crazy because they don't respect our boundaries? How do we set a boundary and, most importantly, what if our own boundaries need some work? Referenced in this episode: <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Facing-Codependence-Where-Comes-Sabotages/dp/0062505890/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Facing+Codependence+by+Pia+Mellody&amp;qid=1685556326&amp;sr=8-1" rel="noopener noreferrer nofollow" target="_blank">Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody</a>

Ep 191 - Boundaries

This week, we're all (myself included!), listening to a replay of "Your Relationship with Yourself" - episode 89. Enjoy! In this replay episode, I emphasize the importance of having a positive relationship with oneself, focusing on understanding the mechanics of developing that relationship, the concept of thought work, and its relevance to relationships.  I will cover the first of three fundamentals of thought work in the context of relationships: one's relationship with oneself, one's relationship with their spouse, and one's relationship with others.  Just like what ends up in our garage, our brains can contain various thoughts, including ones we intentionally put there, ones we struggle with, and ones we unknowingly adopted from others. I want to challenge the misguided notion that holding on to negative thoughts (or a really tall cabinet) will lead to growth. 

This week, we're all (myself included!), listening to a replay of "Your Relationship with Yourself" - episode 89. Enjoy! In this replay episode, I emphasize the importance of having a positive relationship with oneself, focusing on understanding the mechanics of developing that relationship, the concept of thought work, and its relevance to relationships. I will cover the first of three fundamentals of thought work in the context of relationships: one's relationship with oneself, one's relationship with their spouse, and one's relationship with others. Just like what ends up in our garage, our brains can contain various thoughts, including ones we intentionally put there, ones we struggle with, and ones we unknowingly adopted from others. I want to challenge the misguided notion that holding on to negative thoughts (or a really tall cabinet) will lead to growth.

Ep 190 - Your Relationship with Yourself - Replay

The podcast where we get real about building the marriage of your dreams. Marriage coach Kayla Levin takes married Jewish women from surviving and overwhelmed to thriving and connected through practical tips, real life inspiration and more than a little self awareness along the way.Whether you are newly married, considering marriage, or have been married for years, I will share with you a powerful framework to help you get the most enjoyment and fulfillment from your relationships--and ultimately, your own growth. Find out more &amp; join to get live coaching at https://kaylalevin.com

KAyla this is terrific!!

So much to learn and Kayla is so practical and validating

Really enjoy listening to Kayla’s insights and tips GREAT episodes!

The podcast where we get real about building the marriage of your dreams. Marriage coach Kayla Levin takes married Jewish women from surviving and overwhelmed to thriving and connected through practical tips, real life inspiration and more than a little self awareness along the way. Whether you are newly married, considering marriage, or have been married for years, I will share with you a powerful framework to help you get the most enjoyment and fulfillment from your relationships--and ultimately, your own growth. Find out more &amp; join to get live coaching at <a href="https://kaylalevin.com" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">https://kaylalevin.com</a>

How to Glow

If you've struggled with your relationship with your mother-in-law (or ANY family member... or really any other human), this episode is for you. I'll be talking about what makes these in-law relationships uniquely challenging, what we do to make it so much worse, and some of my own experiences using self-coaching to improve my relationships with family members.

If you've struggled with your relationship with your mother-in-law (or ANY family member... or really any other human), this episode is for you. I'll be talking about what makes these in-law relationships uniquely challenging, what we do to make it so much worse, and some of my own experiences using self-coaching to improve my relationships with family members.

Ep. 3 - Your Mother-In-Law

This is part 1 of a hot topic for many of you ladies, and I can completely understand why. This week I'll be sharing my paradigm shifts that have saved me from years of frustration and resentment when it came to partnering on housework with my husband. I'm sharing how we can use thought work (a la Brooke Castillo) on our house work (see what I did there?) and also some powerful insights from the research of Alison Armstrong. I highly recommend Alison's two books as a great starting point for her research. They are written as fiction so they are an easy and fun read, but packed full of information.  Keys to the Kingdom - How men change over time and why it's so confusing. The Queen's Code - How we can bring out the best in men (and often bring out the worst) Episode 12 - Mind Management - For an introduction to thought work

This is part 1 of a hot topic for many of you ladies, and I can completely understand why. This week I'll be sharing my paradigm shifts that have saved me from years of frustration and resentment when it came to partnering on housework with my husband. I'm sharing how we can use thought work (a la Brooke Castillo) on our house work (see what I did there?) and also some powerful insights from the research of Alison Armstrong. I highly recommend Alison's two books as a great starting point for her research. They are written as fiction so they are an easy and fun read, but packed full of information.  <a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0974143502/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=9325&amp;creativeASIN=0974143502&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;tag=fym0b-20&amp;linkId=3fa728a5b9a5a1dff19ef25f49fa8f38" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Keys to the Kingdom</a> - How men change over time and why it's so confusing. <a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01DAYC348/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=9325&amp;creativeASIN=B01DAYC348&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;tag=fym0b-20&amp;linkId=9f717798303845d7001c2085f36051de" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">The Queen's Code</a> - How we can bring out the best in men (and often bring out the worst) <a href="https://anchor.fm/firstyearmarried/episodes/Ep--12---Mind-Management-e3brsi" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Episode 12 - Mind Management</a> - For an introduction to thought work

Ep. 25 - The Dreaded Housework (Part 1)

Guess what I did?? I interviewed my husband for the podcast! How fun is that? Noah and I talk about the ups and downs of our first year of marriage, learning to be adults, our mistakes with finances, and how we manage running a business together. He has some awesome advice... both for the husbands and the wives. Reach out on Instagram @firstyearmarried after you listen and tell me what you thought--and please don't forget to rate and review the podcast!

Guess what I did?? I interviewed my husband for the podcast! How fun is that? Noah and I talk about the ups and downs of our first year of marriage, learning to be adults, our mistakes with finances, and how we manage running a business together. He has some awesome advice... both for the husbands and the wives. Reach out on Instagram <a href="https://www.instagram.com/firstyearmarried/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">@firstyearmarried</a> after you listen and tell me what you thought--and please don't forget to rate and review the podcast!

Ep. 23 - Interviewing The Husband

Communication is a hot topic when it comes to marriage and relationships. And while improving our communication is always a value, this class will help you challenge what you consider to be "good communication" and discover what major form of communication you may be missing out on entirely. Resources mentions: Why Gender Matters: https://amzn.to/2Rxfb6D Mating in Captivity: https://amzn.to/2LNBgIZ Why Gender Matters, Leonard Sax, 2005, p. 29 "In boys, as in men, the part of the brain where emotions happen is not well connected to the part of the brain where verbal processing and speech happens--unlike the situation in teenage girls and women. "  The above are affiliate links

Communication is a hot topic when it comes to marriage and relationships. And while improving our communication is always a value, this class will help you challenge what you consider to be "good communication" and discover what major form of communication you may be missing out on entirely. Resources mentions: Why Gender Matters: <a href="https://amzn.to/2Rxfb6D" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">https://amzn.to/2Rxfb6D</a> Mating in Captivity: <a href="https://amzn.to/2LNBgIZ" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">https://amzn.to/2LNBgIZ</a> Why Gender Matters, Leonard Sax, 2005, p. 29 "In boys, as in men, the part of the brain where emotions happen is not well connected to the part of the brain where verbal processing and speech happens--unlike the situation in teenage girls and women. "  The above are affiliate links

Ep. 4 - Your Husband Doesn't Need To Tell You How He Feels

This week I’m answering a listener question and I think it’s a topic that will be so fun to dive into. Let me start by reading what she wrote: Could you discuss “the importance of self-esteem: how both poor and healthy self-esteem can influence our relationships, and how to strengthen it. I realise that this is absolutely a backbone of all your material, but maybe it's worth revisiting a basic.” Self-esteem is definitely a hot topic, and it’s one of those things that we talk about so much that we actually can lose touch with SPECIFICALLY what it means. So let’s start by defining our terms. Miriam-Webster defines self-esteem as: “a confidence and satisfaction in oneself : SELF-RESPECT” So essentially, self-esteem is nothing but the thoughts we have about ourselves. But that’s not how we talk about self-esteem. The way we talk about self-esteem, if someone didn’t have a clue what it was, it sounds more like a physical condition you have or don’t have. She doesn’t have self-esteem. That will hurt her self-esteem. And since we discuss self-esteem in this way so consistently, we start to act like it’s a physical thing we can control and grow and hurt and effect. Not a series of thoughts. We all have the thoughts we go back to the most. The way our brain is wired, the more we think a thought the easier and more automatic it becomes to think it --or sometimes a specific major event will just give us one really deeply embedded thought right away. And the reason I want to break it down for you is this: If I think I need to work on my self-esteem, or I think I don’t have good self-esteem, those are also thoughts. And neither one is terribly empowering. So I want to offer to you that self-esteem isn’t really a thing. It’s not. You can’t touch it or measure it. No two people will exactly agree on it. It’s totally subjective. Can you see that? And when you don’t have a thing called “self-esteem” that is causing you to act a certain way or that you need to work on or that he has a problem with (I’ve coached on all of those, multiple times), what are you left with? What you’re left with is a question: why did I act that way? And it always comes back to a thought. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know how to be married. I’m no good at this. I can’t learn. The commuter train you always took before you hop on without even noticing. The train that goes downtown to the dangerous neighborhood you let fly by. And you can just sit in the station and watch them all go by. I’m more interested in the person you can be than how accurately you’ve described all your shortcomings. I still have negative thoughts about myself. But I just don’t spend so much time there unless I feel I need to do some major soul searching. Which sometimes I do. And I make changes. So the most motivating thing, I think, is to remember: how do I want to show up? How do you want to show up in your marriage? Are you willing to skip some of your comfortable, recognizable trains to get there? Are you able to focus on HIM and what you’re BUILDING and not on you? Stop riding those trains. Let them get old and rusty. Get clear on where you want to go. Then you’ll have a better idea of how to get there. To take this work deeper and learn the critical research that will help you understand and support your husband and your marriage better, check out the First Year Married course at www.firstyearmarried.com. Join in March and be part of our March challenge!

This week I’m answering a listener question and I think it’s a topic that will be so fun to dive into. Let me start by reading what she wrote: Could you discuss “the importance of self-esteem: how both poor and healthy self-esteem can influence our relationships, and how to strengthen it. I realise that this is absolutely a backbone of all your material, but maybe it's worth revisiting a basic.” Self-esteem is definitely a hot topic, and it’s one of those things that we talk about so much that we actually can lose touch with SPECIFICALLY what it means. So let’s start by defining our terms. Miriam-Webster defines self-esteem as: “a confidence and satisfaction in oneself : SELF-RESPECT” So essentially, self-esteem is nothing but the thoughts we have about ourselves. But that’s not how we talk about self-esteem. The way we talk about self-esteem, if someone didn’t have a clue what it was, it sounds more like a physical condition you have or don’t have. She doesn’t have self-esteem. That will hurt her self-esteem. And since we discuss self-esteem in this way so consistently, we start to act like it’s a physical thing we can control and grow and hurt and effect. Not a series of thoughts. We all have the thoughts we go back to the most. The way our brain is wired, the more we think a thought the easier and more automatic it becomes to think it --or sometimes a specific major event will just give us one really deeply embedded thought right away. And the reason I want to break it down for you is this: If I think I need to work on my self-esteem, or I think I don’t have good self-esteem, those are also thoughts. And neither one is terribly empowering. So I want to offer to you that self-esteem isn’t really a thing. It’s not. You can’t touch it or measure it. No two people will exactly agree on it. It’s totally subjective. Can you see that? And when you don’t have a thing called “self-esteem” that is causing you to act a certain way or that you need to work on or that he has a problem with (I’ve coached on all of those, multiple times), what are you left with? What you’re left with is a question: why did I act that way? And it always comes back to a thought. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know how to be married. I’m no good at this. I can’t learn. The commuter train you always took before you hop on without even noticing. The train that goes downtown to the dangerous neighborhood you let fly by. And you can just sit in the station and watch them all go by. I’m more interested in the person you can be than how accurately you’ve described all your shortcomings. I still have negative thoughts about myself. But I just don’t spend so much time there unless I feel I need to do some major soul searching. Which sometimes I do. And I make changes. So the most motivating thing, I think, is to remember: how do I want to show up? How do you want to show up in your marriage? Are you willing to skip some of your comfortable, recognizable trains to get there? Are you able to focus on HIM and what you’re BUILDING and not on you? Stop riding those trains. Let them get old and rusty. Get clear on where you want to go. Then you’ll have a better idea of how to get there. To take this work deeper and learn the critical research that will help you understand and support your husband and your marriage better, check out the First Year Married course at <a href="http://www.firstyearmarried.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.firstyearmarried.com</a>. Join in March and be part of our March challenge!

Ep. 64 - Self-Esteem and Your Marriage

I was looking through some of the requests that I’ve received for topics to cover and I wanted to address the one that would give us the biggest room for growth, the most potential. And so this question “how do I get out of victim mentality?” really stuck out to me. Because as long as we see ourselves as a victim, we are BY DEFINITION powerless. Before we go further: November 10 is the first call of our Kallah Cohort, a specific LIVE First Year Married course for women in the Orthodox Jewish community! The first class is free and no-obligation, but you need to sign up to get a spot! See you there! An important note about this whole episode: this material, like all of my material, does NOT apply to unhealthy or abusive relationships. We all have ups and downs--as individuals and in our marriages--but I encourage anyone who is unsure if their relationship is abusive or dysfunctional to seek out a qualified couples therapist. Here is one great resource. We all fall into victim mentality sometimes, whether it’s a story about our relationship or our abilities at work or with our physical health or self-discipline… Here are seven steps to help you leave victim mode behind.  Identify the feeling.  Knowing the feeling, viscerally, will help you “red flag” it for the future. How does it feel in your body? What are your habitual thoughts? What’s the story? Anything with a story is optional.  Beware of boundaries set to control. If you are frustrated that you set a boundary and it wasn’t followed, you didn’t set a boundary you just told someone what to do and they didn’t do it. Listen to learn how to set boundaries that don't leave you in victim-mode.  Articulate the thought. You guys getting used to me saying this? You can’t question a thought until you articulate it. So what’s the story? “I’m not the happily-ever-after type.” So write it down. Look at it. Feel it. Be with it. Don’t be in such a rush to get rid of it. What we tend to do is we half-articulate it then we try to jump to another thought so fast because this one is so painful. Don’t be in a rush. It’s not urgent, it’s just feelings.  Notice the results of your thought. Here’s where we want to focus on the present instead of, as is a natural tendency, to go past-focused. It’s interesting to question where your story came from. You for sure have reasons for why it’s true. But right now just look at WHAT THE THOUGHT IS DOING. How does it make you feel? What kinds of things are you capable of with this thought? What aren’t you?  Live with your thought. Now that you’ve gone scientific and cerebral, gather some field research on how it’s playing out for you. Watch it in action. Write it down or send a voice memo to your podcast buddy if you have one (if not, time to get one!)  Now you can start to jiggle it loose. How is the opposite true? How do you always get happily-ever-after? (Going into the holidays feeling so low from everything that happened with my health this year… then realized the opposite is equally true.)  Advanced skill: Go all-out play and pick a new amazing thought! This ONLY works if you’ve really spent time in your current thought, with awareness and mindfulness!   Thanks so much for the question and I look forward to seeing you back here next week! In the meantime, have you checked out my FREE class at FirstYearMarried.com? Well, here it is!

I was looking through some of the requests that I’ve received for topics to cover and I wanted to address the one that would give us the biggest room for growth, the most potential. And so this question “how do I get out of victim mentality?” really stuck out to me. Because as long as we see ourselves as a victim, we are BY DEFINITION powerless. Before we go further: November 10 is the first call of our Kallah Cohort, a specific LIVE First Year Married course for women in the Orthodox Jewish community! The first class is free and no-obligation, <a href="https://firstyearmarried.com/kallah/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">but you need to sign up to get a spot</a>! See you there! An important note about this whole episode: this material, like all of my material, does NOT apply to unhealthy or abusive relationships. We all have ups and downs--as individuals and in our marriages--but I encourage anyone who is unsure if their relationship is abusive or dysfunctional to seek out a qualified couples therapist. <a href="https://www.gottman.com/couples/private-therapy/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Here is one great resource</a>. We all fall into victim mentality sometimes, whether it’s a story about our relationship or our abilities at work or with our physical health or self-discipline… Here are seven steps to help you leave victim mode behind. <ol> <li>Identify the feeling.  Knowing the feeling, viscerally, will help you “red flag” it for the future. How does it feel in your body? What are your habitual thoughts? What’s the story? Anything with a story is optional. </li> <li>Beware of boundaries set to control. If you are frustrated that you set a boundary and it wasn’t followed, you didn’t set a boundary you just told someone what to do and they didn’t do it. Listen to learn how to set boundaries that don't leave you in victim-mode. </li> <li>Articulate the thought. You guys getting used to me saying this? You can’t question a thought until you articulate it. So what’s the story? “I’m not the happily-ever-after type.” So write it down. Look at it. Feel it. Be with it. Don’t be in such a rush to get rid of it. What we tend to do is we half-articulate it then we try to jump to another thought so fast because this one is so painful. Don’t be in a rush. It’s not urgent, it’s just feelings. </li> <li>Notice the results of your thought. Here’s where we want to focus on the present instead of, as is a natural tendency, to go past-focused. It’s interesting to question where your story came from. You for sure have reasons for why it’s true. But right now just look at WHAT THE THOUGHT IS DOING. How does it make you feel? What kinds of things are you capable of with this thought? What aren’t you? </li> <li>Live with your thought. Now that you’ve gone scientific and cerebral, gather some field research on how it’s playing out for you. Watch it in action. Write it down or send a voice memo to your podcast buddy if you have one (if not, time to get one!) </li> <li>Now you can start to jiggle it loose. How is the opposite true? How do you always get happily-ever-after? (Going into the holidays feeling so low from everything that happened with my health this year… then realized the opposite is equally true.) </li> <li>Advanced skill: Go all-out play and pick a new amazing thought! This ONLY works if you’ve really spent time in your current thought, with awareness and mindfulness! </li> </ol> Thanks so much for the question and I look forward to seeing you back here next week! In the meantime, have you checked out my FREE class at <a href="http://FirstYearMarried.com?" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">FirstYearMarried.com?</a> <a href="https://firstyearmarried.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Well, here it is!</a>

Ep. 44 - Getting Yourself Out of Victim Mentality

This week we are talking about how to dis-overwhelm yourself (yes, I made that up). I'll teach you the few simple steps to clarify your vision for the most difficult areas of your life and how to pursue achieve it, including the surprising reason we often lose track of our vision.

This week we are talking about how to dis-overwhelm yourself (yes, I made that up). I'll teach you the few simple steps to clarify your vision for the most difficult areas of your life and how to pursue achieve it, including the surprising reason we often lose track of our vision.

Ep. 27 - Your Vision

For many newlyweds, they are feeling a lot of shame about negative emotions about their marriage. It's important to know that there is a known physiological high that comes at the beginning of a relationship. For many women, there is also the wedding high. And just like ANYTHING new you begin, there’s a back-to-reality moment. I want you to know that that’s totally fine. Being a newlywed is, on an emotional level, like slow cooker vs instapot…… all the emotions are intensified. Here are some emotions I think you can totally feel sometimes in a perfectly healthy marriage: Annoyed. Enchanted. Frustrated. Resentful. Curious. Insecure -- in him and in you. It’s all fine. It’s all invited here. Where you want to be careful is getting too attached to your story that’s creating the thought. You can feel all the feels. But you also don’t have to get attached to the story that led to them. Was he maybe the wrong guy? Is he inconsiderate? Is he not driven enough? Does he not care enough about your religious values? Notice those thoughts and know that they’re okay, too. The amazing thing that happens is that when we’re scared to think these thoughts, is that we fixate on them. They terrify us.  I recently got coached on this. One of my kids did something very dangerous and I was reeling for a month afterwards. I kept having this thought, I can’t keep them safe. But I didn’t want to think that thought, it made me feel sick it was so scary, so I tried to push it away. Guess what happened? I had that thought approximately twenty billion times a day. All my mental energy was in this back and forth energy of thinking/pushing away/coming back… it was exhausting, and I was just getting more and more anxious. It wasn’t until my coach had me get really curious about that thought, to notice it and accept it and even see where it’s true and where it’s not as true and notice what the thought was creating that I was able to move on from the anxiety. You can feel all the feels, without constantly regenerating them by fixating on the thoughts. You can be cranky sometimes. If you want more support to take this further, I just opened a few more spots for one on one coaching. I take you through the full FYM process with private, one on one coaching, you get lifetime access to the full online course, you learn all the material AND how to apply it in your unique situation. To apply, go to firstyearmarried.com and click “personal coaching” up top. Have an amazing week.

For many newlyweds, they are feeling a lot of shame about negative emotions about their marriage. It's important to know that there is a known physiological high that comes at the beginning of a relationship. For many women, there is also the wedding high. And just like ANYTHING new you begin, there’s a back-to-reality moment. I want you to know that that’s totally fine. Being a newlywed is, on an emotional level, like slow cooker vs instapot…… all the emotions are intensified. Here are some emotions I think you can totally feel sometimes in a perfectly healthy marriage: Annoyed. Enchanted. Frustrated. Resentful. Curious. Insecure -- in him and in you. It’s all fine. It’s all invited here. Where you want to be careful is getting too attached to your story that’s creating the thought. You can feel all the feels. But you also don’t have to get attached to the story that led to them. Was he maybe the wrong guy? Is he inconsiderate? Is he not driven enough? Does he not care enough about your religious values? Notice those thoughts and know that they’re okay, too. The amazing thing that happens is that when we’re scared to think these thoughts, is that we fixate on them. They terrify us.  I recently got coached on this. One of my kids did something very dangerous and I was reeling for a month afterwards. I kept having this thought, I can’t keep them safe. But I didn’t want to think that thought, it made me feel sick it was so scary, so I tried to push it away. Guess what happened? I had that thought approximately twenty billion times a day. All my mental energy was in this back and forth energy of thinking/pushing away/coming back… it was exhausting, and I was just getting more and more anxious. It wasn’t until my coach had me get really curious about that thought, to notice it and accept it and even see where it’s true and where it’s not as true and notice what the thought was creating that I was able to move on from the anxiety. You can feel all the feels, without constantly regenerating them by fixating on the thoughts. You can be cranky sometimes. If you want more support to take this further, I just opened a few more spots for one on one coaching. I take you through the full FYM process with private, one on one coaching, you get lifetime access to the full online course, you learn all the material AND how to apply it in your unique situation. To apply, go to <a href="firstyearmarried.com" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">firstyearmarried.com</a> and click “personal coaching” up top. Have an amazing week.

Ep. 61 - How it's Supposed to Feel

My business coach Stacey Boehman was giving this analogy about entrepreneurs and their new businesses and even though I’ve heard her say it before suddenly it totally clicked that this is such a fantastic perspective shift for newlyweds as well! Ok so here’s the analogy: Your business is a baby. Your marriage isn’t here to make you happy. (Sorry!) Just like if you had a brand new baby or a brand new business, you wouldn’t expect it to perform for you. Your marriage just happened! There’s nothing there yet. John Gottman, who is a leading marriage researcher, describes the idea as an emotional bank account. 5 to 1 positive to negative--that's the ratio we need to maintain, according to his research, for a healthy relationship. But the other part of the emotional bank account is that it takes time to build up a balance. I remember getting my first ATM card. And who knows what I put on it, maybe $40? At that point, getting something for $20 would be a huge deal. That’s half my account!  Also, maybe I didn’t know how much and how often I’d be making money, so that’s also a concern. How am I supposed to take money out of an account if I have no idea when more is coming? It's exactly like this for a newlywed. So this week I want you to remember this--it’s ok if you aren’t getting the dividends on your marriage yet. That comes later. And it really does, I’m telling you at 10 years married I’m literally happier every passing year. But that comes with this attitude of investment. And the great news is it doesn’t have to be major dramatic romantic actions! In fact, John Gottman specifically says so in his research -- it’s better to have lots of small “turning toward” actions than a few large romantic gestures. Also, I think it’s really critical whenever I give you concepts like this, or you learn them elsewhere, that you be onto yourself. You’re going to want to relate it to HIM. Is he making romantic gestures? Is he turning towards? Back in your lane, sweetheart. (That's how I say it to myself.) You can only change yourself, but you are fifty percent of this relationship. Do you think you can improve who you are and not improve your marriage? I don’t think it’s possible. Go take care of your baby :)   Sources and links mentioned in this episode: Brooke Castillo’s The Life Coach School Stacey Boehman - Business Mindset  John Gottman: The Emotional Bank Account The First Year Married Elite Coaching Program The First Year Married Online Self-Study The First Year Married FREE Class

My business coach Stacey Boehman was giving this analogy about entrepreneurs and their new businesses and even though I’ve heard her say it before suddenly it totally clicked that this is such a fantastic perspective shift for newlyweds as well! Ok so here’s the analogy: Your business is a baby. Your marriage isn’t here to make you happy. (Sorry!) Just like if you had a brand new baby or a brand new business, you wouldn’t expect it to perform for you. Your marriage just happened! There’s nothing there yet. John Gottman, who is a leading marriage researcher, describes the idea as an emotional bank account. 5 to 1 positive to negative--that's the ratio we need to maintain, according to his research, for a healthy relationship. But the other part of the emotional bank account is that it takes time to build up a balance. I remember getting my first ATM card. And who knows what I put on it, maybe $40? At that point, getting something for $20 would be a huge deal. That’s half my account!  Also, maybe I didn’t know how much and how often I’d be making money, so that’s also a concern. How am I supposed to take money out of an account if I have no idea when more is coming? It's exactly like this for a newlywed. So this week I want you to remember this--it’s ok if you aren’t getting the dividends on your marriage yet. That comes later. And it really does, I’m telling you at 10 years married I’m literally happier every passing year. But that comes with this attitude of investment. And the great news is it doesn’t have to be major dramatic romantic actions! In fact, John Gottman specifically says so in his research -- it’s better to have lots of small “turning toward” actions than a few large romantic gestures. Also, I think it’s really critical whenever I give you concepts like this, or you learn them elsewhere, that you be onto yourself. You’re going to want to relate it to HIM. Is he making romantic gestures? Is he turning towards? Back in your lane, sweetheart. (That's how I say it to myself.) You can only change yourself, but you are fifty percent of this relationship. Do you think you can improve who you are and not improve your marriage? I don’t think it’s possible. Go take care of your baby :)  Sources and links mentioned in this episode: <a href="https://thelifecoachschool.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Brooke Castillo’s The Life Coach School</a> <a href="https://staceyboehman.com/investing-mindset/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Stacey Boehman - Business Mindset</a> <a href="https://www.gottman.com/blog/invest-relationship-emotional-bank-account/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">John Gottman: The Emotional Bank Account</a> <a href="https://firstyearmarried.teachable.com/p/fym-elite" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">The First Year Married Elite Coaching Program</a> <a href="https://firstyearmarried.teachable.com/p/first-year-married" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">The First Year Married Online Self-Study</a> <a href="https://firstyearmarried.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">The First Year Married FREE Class</a>

Ep. 62 - Your Marriage is a Baby

This question came in from a listener on Instagram. There are several factors to consider before starting a family, but I (of course) want to talk to you about your mind. Start HERE before you move onto the checklist of "must haves" and "to dos." 

This question came in from a listener on Instagram. There are several factors to consider before starting a family, but I (of course) want to talk to you about your mind. Start HERE before you move onto the checklist of "must haves" and "to dos."

Ep. 11 - When is the Right Time to Start a Family?

This week we’re going to revisit a familiar topic and take the work further. What is happening when you are feeling hurt? Take the last time you were hurt (or disappointed, angry, frustrated…) with your husband and try to remember the specific details. Consider that the reason that you were upset was that he wasn’t doing what you wanted him to be doing. Try to identify what you DID want him to do. What was your plan or rule book for how he should behave? But here’s the model. You’re crying and he’s texting. If he loved me, he’d be hugging me and taking care of me. So you feel hurt, rejected, and maybe angry (much safer) Here’s the reality: Him texting when you are crying says nothing about his love for you. So why are you hurt? ONLY because of the thought you had about it. We’re going to figure out this week how to find an alternative, how to clarify our vision, and how to experience the relationship we want. Unconditional love is on YOU. Leave him out of it! You want a loving relationship? LOVE HIM. And not when he’s adorable and considerate. Love him when he’s a bear. Love him when he’s obnoxious. Here are some thoughts that have really helped me with this... --I love being in love --I love being surprised by him --He’s so different, so foreign to me, just when I think I know him he surprises me Get a buddy, share this episode, and help each other use this information. It can be hard to observe our own brains sometimes. To work with me on-on-one, you can email me at kayla@kaylalevin.com or fill out the form at firstyearmarried.com and I’ll send you my booking calendar. For more ideas about the "rule book" (or the "manual") check out Brooke Castillo's podcast, The Life Coach School Podcast.

This week we’re going to revisit a familiar topic and take the work further. What is happening when you are feeling hurt? Take the last time you were hurt (or disappointed, angry, frustrated…) with your husband and try to remember the specific details. Consider that the reason that you were upset was that he wasn’t doing what you wanted him to be doing. Try to identify what you DID want him to do. What was your plan or rule book for how he should behave? But here’s the model. You’re crying and he’s texting. If he loved me, he’d be hugging me and taking care of me. So you feel hurt, rejected, and maybe angry (much safer) Here’s the reality: Him texting when you are crying says nothing about his love for you. So why are you hurt? ONLY because of the thought you had about it. We’re going to figure out this week how to find an alternative, how to clarify our vision, and how to experience the relationship we want. Unconditional love is on YOU. Leave him out of it! You want a loving relationship? LOVE HIM. And not when he’s adorable and considerate. Love him when he’s a bear. Love him when he’s obnoxious. Here are some thoughts that have really helped me with this... --I love being in love --I love being surprised by him --He’s so different, so foreign to me, just when I think I know him he surprises me Get a buddy, share this episode, and help each other use this information. It can be hard to observe our own brains sometimes. To work with me on-on-one, you can email me at <a href="mailto:kayla@kaylalevin.com">kayla@kaylalevin.com</a> or fill out the form at <a href="https://firstyearmarried.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">firstyearmarried.com</a> and I’ll send you my booking calendar. For more ideas about the "rule book" (or the "manual") check out Brooke Castillo's podcast, <a href="https://thelifecoachschool.com/podcast/11/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">The Life Coach School Podcast</a>.

Ep. 40 - Being Hurt

This week we're going to recap a few of the key tools we've covered over the last 44 episodes that will help us all handle overwhelm. 

This week we're going to recap a few of the key tools we've covered over the last 44 episodes that will help us all handle overwhelm.

Ep. 45 - How to Handle Overwhelm

I love sharing tips with other women (and sometimes men) about what makes running the home easier for them. In a way, our personality comes out in our hacks. And so this week we're keeping it light and I'm offering you my favorite tips and tricks that help me run the home. I look forward to hearing yours and sharing them on next week's episode! 

I love sharing tips with other women (and sometimes men) about what makes running the home easier for them. In a way, our personality comes out in our hacks. And so this week we're keeping it light and I'm offering you my favorite tips and tricks that help me run the home. I look forward to hearing yours and sharing them on next week's episode!

Ep. 42 - Practical Tips for Running The Home

We may not like to admit it, but we tend to have some opinions about our husbands. Whether he's too messy, bad with money, or not taking his job seriously enough (or too seriously!), it's very common to forget that these are only our opinions and not a true fact. In this episode I'm going to teach you how to coach yourself when you are getting frustrated with your husband. 

We may not like to admit it, but we tend to have some opinions about our husbands. Whether he's too messy, bad with money, or not taking his job seriously enough (or too seriously!), it's very common to forget that these are only our opinions and not a true fact. In this episode I'm going to teach you how to coach yourself when you are getting frustrated with your husband.

Ep. 22 - There's Something Wrong with Him

You're ready to grow, you're ready to move on to the next level.... but everyone around you is struggling. What's a newlywed to do? How do we improve our lives without leaving those we love in the dust?   Budgeting for newlyweds can be tricky. You might struggle with getting your apartment organized, or your new home. Maybe for you what's hard is losing weight or drinking less... but sometimes we're ready to move on from these challenges and up-level our lives, but something surprising is holding us back. Check out this week's episode for a whole new way to look at overcoming your challenges.  Finding your invisible cape means electing yourself the official representative who is going to break the trend... for the sake of yourself, and for others who need someone to look to. Those around you might be struggling with peer pressure or negative thinking, but you can be the example of what it's like to live life without that particular struggle. Sometimes we don our invisible capes to allow ourselves to buy a more modest home or post less about our fantastic marriages, so that we aren't putting pressure on those around us who might be struggling.  This is not only super fun to do, but it can allow us to get the motivation to make the decision we really felt was best for us in the first place.

You're ready to grow, you're ready to move on to the next level.... but everyone around you is struggling. What's a newlywed to do? How do we improve our lives without leaving those we love in the dust?  Budgeting for newlyweds can be tricky. You might struggle with getting your apartment organized, or your new home. Maybe for you what's hard is losing weight or drinking less... but sometimes we're ready to move on from these challenges and up-level our lives, but something surprising is holding us back. Check out this week's episode for a whole new way to look at overcoming your challenges. Finding your invisible cape means electing yourself the official representative who is going to break the trend... for the sake of yourself, and for others who need someone to look to. Those around you might be struggling with peer pressure or negative thinking, but you can be the example of what it's like to live life without that particular struggle. Sometimes we don our invisible capes to allow ourselves to buy a more modest home or post less about our fantastic marriages, so that we aren't putting pressure on those around us who might be struggling.  This is not only super fun to do, but it can allow us to get the motivation to make the decision we really felt was best for us in the first place.

Ep. 5 - Your Invisible Cape

A listener asked me to discuss critical parents and what to do about them.  In this week’s podcast we discuss the difference between explicit criticism and subtly undermining your relationship. The key to dealing with criticism is to maintain responsibility over your emotional reaction. When we allow these criticisms to upset us, we have to realize that it’s because we became attached to what they said--that they might be right or that they “shouldn’t” have said it. The easiest way to deal with critical parents is to remember that they “get to” feel and say whatever they want, and you’re FINE. From that place, we can move forward to create healthy, effective boundaries that aren’t an attempt to change them or their behavior. Resources: Brook Castillo on Boundaries: https://thelifecoachschool.com/podcast/12/ Brook's Boundaries 2.0: https://thelifecoachschool.com/podcast/163/

A listener asked me to discuss critical parents and what to do about them.  In this week’s podcast we discuss the difference between explicit criticism and subtly undermining your relationship. The key to dealing with criticism is to maintain responsibility over your emotional reaction. When we allow these criticisms to upset us, we have to realize that it’s because we became attached to what they said--that they might be right or that they “shouldn’t” have said it. The easiest way to deal with critical parents is to remember that they “get to” feel and say whatever they want, and you’re FINE. From that place, we can move forward to create healthy, effective boundaries that aren’t an attempt to change them or their behavior. Resources: Brook Castillo on Boundaries: <a href="https://thelifecoachschool.com/podcast/12/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">https://thelifecoachschool.com/podcast/12/</a> Brook's Boundaries 2.0: <a href="https://thelifecoachschool.com/podcast/163/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">https://thelifecoachschool.com/podcast/163/</a>

Ep. 39 - Critical Parents

I was working with a client and she was stuck on the idea of being authentic with our feelings while at the same time taking responsibility for them and choosing what I call “helpful thoughts.” So this week we're going to talk about the difference between processing our feelings and holding onto our feelings. The easiest way is to think of it as sensations vs words. Thoughts are words (sentences, usually), and feelings are physical sensations. We read the tight shoulders and clenched stomach as anxiety or anger. Focus on what the body is experiencing. We’re told to process our emotions, not to ignore how we feel, to honor our feelings, but we need to get really clear on what that means. Going in thought circles... ruminating on that one horrible thing or that offensive thing she/he said... that's not feeling your feelings. That's just having a thought and getting really attached to it being true and having that thought over and over until you can't see your way out of it. This week I'm teaching you how to process a feeling. The deeper question I think is really, when is it a feeling and when is it intuition? If I know that I’m responsible for my feelings, does that mean I can’t ever use them to help guide me? How do I know the difference? Your intuitive sense is not urgent. It is calm and clear. It doesn’t speak to you in rules like “he shouldn’t” or accusations like, “how dare he” or desperate questions like “how can I possibly not be hurt or be happy like this?” Trust that when you quiet the screaming, loud, urgent emotions, that inner voice will certainly come up for you.

I was working with a client and she was stuck on the idea of being authentic with our feelings while at the same time taking responsibility for them and choosing what I call “helpful thoughts.” So this week we're going to talk about the difference between processing our feelings and holding onto our feelings. The easiest way is to think of it as sensations vs words. Thoughts are words (sentences, usually), and feelings are physical sensations. We read the tight shoulders and clenched stomach as anxiety or anger. Focus on what the body is experiencing. We’re told to process our emotions, not to ignore how we feel, to honor our feelings, but we need to get really clear on what that means. Going in thought circles... ruminating on that one horrible thing or that offensive thing she/he said... that's not feeling your feelings. That's just having a thought and getting really attached to it being true and having that thought over and over until you can't see your way out of it. This week I'm teaching you how to process a feeling. The deeper question I think is really, when is it a feeling and when is it intuition? If I know that I’m responsible for my feelings, does that mean I can’t ever use them to help guide me? How do I know the difference? Your intuitive sense is not urgent. It is calm and clear. It doesn’t speak to you in rules like “he shouldn’t” or accusations like, “how dare he” or desperate questions like “how can I possibly not be hurt or be happy like this?” Trust that when you quiet the screaming, loud, urgent emotions, that inner voice will certainly come up for you.

Ep. 58 - When You Can't Get Over It

 "If I learn to ACCEPT my husband's behavior, aren't I just letting him walk all over me?" This week we are talking about when we don't like our husband's behavior. If you work on your thoughts and you come to accept his behavior, are you expecting less of him? Are you just accepting an unfair, unbalanced relationship? Check out this week's podcast. 

"If I learn to ACCEPT my husband's behavior, aren't I just letting him walk all over me?" This week we are talking about when we don't like our husband's behavior. If you work on your thoughts and you come to accept his behavior, are you expecting less of him? Are you just accepting an unfair, unbalanced relationship? Check out this week's podcast.

Ep. 18 - Submission vs. Self Knowledge

How do you agree on finances when one of you wants to save hardcore and the other wants to spend more?   This week I'm answering a listener question about how to manage differences of opinion between her and her husband when it comes to MONEY. Money and debt are such hot-button issues in our marriages, and I want to share with you a few things to keep in mind to keep these conversations useful, productive, and connecting. 

How do you agree on finances when one of you wants to save hardcore and the other wants to spend more?   This week I'm answering a listener question about how to manage differences of opinion between her and her husband when it comes to MONEY. Money and debt are such hot-button issues in our marriages, and I want to share with you a few things to keep in mind to keep these conversations useful, productive, and connecting.

Ep. 15 - Money & Debt

Let's talk about disappointment. Whether you went to premarital counseling and made a bunch of agreements that haven't come through or he seems different from the guy you dated, feeling like your husband isn't "what you signed up for" is so common. This week we talk about where this comes from and what to do about it.

Let's talk about disappointment. Whether you went to premarital counseling and made a bunch of agreements that haven't come through or he seems different from the guy you dated, feeling like your husband isn't "what you signed up for" is so common. This week we talk about where this comes from and what to do about it.

Ep. 13 - He's Not The Man I Thought He Was

The best podcast episodes of anyone with an interesting story. With famous guests like Obama, LeBron James, Drake, Oprah Winfrey, Richard Branson, Michelle Obama, Serena Williams, to anyone who has a unique and interesting story to tell. Add episodes you're interested into your queue below!

Best Episodes: Personal Stories & Great Interviews

The Best Multi-Part Documentaries, with documentaries on Obama, Federer vs Nadal, the making of Star Wars, Netflix vs Blockbuster and more. Add episodes you're interested into your queue below!